Stillness by Simona Dumitru
How terrible can it be to want someone so badly it hurts? That can’t be love, surely? It’s what all the grand novels and tragic poems and television soaps tell us though.
It’s this idea of love, this quiet storm inside of us that stirs itself into a frenzy, a thousand and one expectations that won’t be met (we know this from the start), yet still we prod on, we push forward till the dam breaks and the ensuing deluge drowns us all, hopes dashed to the rocks…
(Clichés such as these are useful in times of melodrama and sentimentality, which, for someone who thinks he is in love, is nearly all the time.)
Why do we always hurt the ones we love?
It’s Saturday and you’ve not woken yet. At least I think you haven’t. You haven’t replied my message or my call. I’m wondering if you are alright. Morning stretches to early afternoon and I’m getting worried. Then you call, you’ve been occupied, is all.
I’m upset, not at you, but myself, for waiting. I’ve told myself we have our own lives and our own schedules, and that I wasn’t gonna do this, this waiting for you thing I do, but best laid plans…
You say you’re sorry, and I can hear the hurt in your voice and I falter. How can I be upset when my words wound deeper than anything we could do to each other? Why do I always end up hurting you?
Can it be love when it’s only our projection of what we desire onto someone else? Our personal fantasy, too perfect to be realised… how terrible, imagine this burden on another human being! Imagine if our partners expect the same of us — could we handle it?
(Newsflash: They do, we all do.)
What if love was something else, what if it isn’t about you but what you do for your partner, what you put in — the hours and the sweat and the work — to understand her, to listen to him…
The Datin asks me if you are staying over tonight. I say no. And that’s all it is. I don’t have to justify why you aren’t.
I don’t have to feel the pang of the loss of the physical distance between us as we sleep tonight in separate beds, in separate homes; there doesn’t even have to be the fantasy of a connection, a dream-like closeness between us.
We’re not together tonight. You’re not staying over. We’ll sleep, first one, then the other, and tomorrow we’ll wake and clean up and go to work, separately. That’s all it is. And that’s fine.
Maybe what they truly want is not for us to change ourselves but for us to understand who they are, as they are now, without our demanding that they change (and to change for you, at that; and why should they, someone’s bound to ask).
That alone could be a start. Could be enough. Could be a lifetime.
Contrast this with us changing or them changing. We could change ourselves, over and over again, until we are beyond recognition, and still we will be the same. And nothing would have changed. Wouldn’t be enough. For all the wrong reasons a martyr does not make.
There once lived a peasant girl named Griselda. Quiet, patient, dutiful. A king came riding by on his horses, spotted her and carried her away to be queen, as kings oft do with peasant girls.
Before they were married though, he made her promise that she will always abide by him, no matter what, no questions asked. She agreed. They had a daughter. He had hunters take the infant away to be killed. Then they had a son. He went the same way as his sister.
Years later, the king tested his wife again by marrying a princess from far away. Griselda was to prepare the queen-to-be for the wedding and this she did, dutiful as always, no questions asked.
Then came the big reveal: the princess (and her brother, the prince, of course) were none other than Griselda’s children, taken away but not killed. Happy ending and Patient Griselda a role model for all…
When I first heard the story of Patient Griselda, I didn’t understand it. I didn’t understand her. So stupid. Why the blind devotion? Why the sacrifice? Years later, when I fell in love again and was in its initial throes (the sweet time when you are convinced beyond all doubts that this one, yes, this one is The One), I thought I understood Griselda finally.
If you loved someone, I told myself, you’d do anything for that person. You’d take the good with the bad and the plain absurd. Is this abuse? Unkindness? Careless inattentiveness? Or does she just not give a damn? Why won’t he understand?
No matter. You’ll take it, you’ll take it all — and in the end, even if it takes you years, they’ll understand, they’ll get it and they’ll give you what you want.
Nice fantasy, if you believe in it.
I may yet see this differently in time (who knows? not me) but right now, I see simply this: Griselda does not act out of blind devotion or sacrifice or stupidity or insanity. She simply accepts her king as he is, his actions as they are. Her love for him has her, is her, supporting him as far as she can/is willing to (and perhaps she’s gone to further lengths than most of us are capable of but there you go).
Griselda’s love is nothing more than the hours and the sweat and the work and, perhaps, the conviction some of us call faith. And that’s love.
There will be days, weeks and longer periods even when we won’t be together. Intimacy isn’t a touch or thoughts; it isn’t a constant presence. Maybe what it is how we deal with it when we are separated, maybe that’s true intimacy, maybe that’s how we know.
And if we get hurt along the way, maybe that’s fine too.
So. It’s difficult, yes, no doubt about it. I’ll admit I struggle daily, but it is simpler and less painful in the end. I will support and accept you daily as much as I can, without conditions. I will refrain from the million “What if’s” that serve only to plague my mind, that terrify and depress me, that make me suspicious of not only you but my own actions and intentions.
I will let all of that go, or rather, work at it. Every day, every moment. The hours and the sweat and the work. And I can see you doing the same, in your own way, I can see that now. And guess what? We’re worth it.
We’re okay just the way we are.
43 Comments
“Love that we cannot have is the one that last the longest, hurts the deepest and feels the strongest”
Hello Kenny, even if you’re not gonna write so often at your old place, I look forward to more here
Keep writing…and work at it!
Hi Kenny, great to see you focus on some longer pieces of writing!
As we mature, we might find that loving someone — and ourselves — means letting go and not struggling so much, taking life less seriously, stepping back and seeing the big picture.
Honey, you got it bad. Even your pic on the main title is sturm und drang…I’d like to say that time gives this kind of love a graciousness and mellows it - but the truth is that sometimes the lovely glaze over our eyes is often whipped away and nothing but those jagged edges exist between you still. sigh. Still, I wouldn’t be a Griselda, ugh! But you are right, there has to be a kind of wordless trust and acceptance. Sure to be not easy. Keep going, soldier!
wah… how many blog u wanna have la? 3 already!
hmmm… why so many blogs… i go @_@ liow…
anyways, I have a bit of Griselda in me… as you know I’ve been sort of seeing someone… it’s neither a relationship but it’s more than friendship… this neither here nor there has been goin on for more than a year (gosh I reveal more in my comments than I do in my blog)…
It’s also highly likely that one fine day he’ll tell me he’s going to get married to the woman of his parent’s choice. Something which is still the norm for them…
My friends and family have all queried me, why do I still hold on to him if I know that one day he’ll leave me? Something I learnt during my dear friend’s death. Unconditional Love… I love him unconditionally. I do not want to own him… no doubt I’ll get hurt in the end, but if you’re prepared for that to happen won’t the blow be less painful? At least I hope so. I leave it in God’s hands. if it was meant to be it’ll all turn out eventually…
erm.. did i digress again?
Anyway (err… I lost my train of thoughts)… i know i totally ran out of topic today but… owh well… hahaha… i do that often enough no?
It’s always worth it,
in some way it’s always worth it
Well, our devotion is only worth it when it’s appreciated. No words needed but a silent moment with the smiling eyes and a gentle squeeze of the hand would suffice :o)
“I will refrain from the million “What if’s” that serve only to plague my mind, that terrify and depress me, that make me suspicious of not only you but my own actions and intentions.”
Most will face this everyday…it wasn’t easy but just have to let all go and move on…no matter how much it take you…
If only I’m more like Griselda. Love without suspicions without questions. Less heartache, less anguish.
You’re so romantic
I have great trouble with FireHorse’s comment and your opening, mostly because I believe it’s true. It’s even more perplexing because I only believe what I experience and treat everything else with scepticism, and unrequited love is something I have never experienced.
I have a theory though about the everlasting-ness of unrequited love; it will always be worshiped on the pedestal of perfection because we never get a chance to experience that persons humanity (and by this I mean the inevitable flaws and plain ‘ordinariness’) in a relationship, and so forever more that person remains unblemished and untarnished by time and tide. However unfair it seems, everyone else that comes after will be measured against that ideal.
Now imagine you’re me and you believe this, and it so happens that you’re the one that ‘came after’ and you didn’t get away, you stuck around. So how do you deal?
Reasoning is useless in this case, because neither side of the argument can be proved or disproved. What remains is to make a decision to let go and trust in the inherently apparent. Oh, but if only it were that easy.
And yes I agree on love being an action rather than a passive emotion. I think to grow up is to stop indulging in how you’re made to feel but instead working at making the other person feel loved. And with the right partner, he would already be doing the same for you.
Ahh, this post of yours sure brought up lots of my memories and past experiences. Many of those questions or insecurities are also the very same ones I had until a couple of months back when I truly understand what I need or wanted.
It was only then that I realized giving in all the time and bottling up frustrations are really not they way it’s suppose to be if we expect the relationship to grow, mature and stabilize. Avoidance of negative issues only makes matter worst. As these issues wouldn’t simply just go away by ignoring it, as it would only start building up and silently gnaw away our inner self - especially our self-worth. Losing our sense of self and dignity in a relationship would only lead to a stagnant, stale and unhappy outlook. This is what exactly happened to me. I kept stalling the matter, thinking if I just continue to give in and try to change or mold myself according to his ‘idea’ everything will eventually fall into it’s place. However, unfortunately that wasn’t the case, and I found out only after much pain and suffering in both parties. Then only I realized, I must be happy and content within before I could bring happiness to others especially to my love ones. It’s only a simple equation. Nonetheless, it’s one many failed to see.
Hence, it’s equally important that we strive to find a balance in between. To address the true feelings of both parties. And this balance could only be achieve through face-to-face heartfelt dialogue. For this to work, courage, sincerity, determination and wisdom must be employed in these dialogues. This is what I did recently with my other half and now stand to witness the simplicity and greatness of this basic human interaction which many failed to recognize and make good use of. (Yup, I blogged about this live-changing experience of mine).
To simply put it, lack of communication IS the main downfall of many relationships/marriages. Communication is an art, one that all human beings needs to master in order to be successful in life. I now constantly remind myself the fact that, every individual has their own set of principles, thinkings and reactions. Whatever it is, everyone deserves to be heard.
I know this comment of mine if a bit too lengthy, but this article of yours makes me feel very strongly. Hope you don’t mind me sharing these quotes with you:
“A healthy relationship, is one in which two people encourage each other to reach their respective goals, while sharing each other’s hopes and dreams. A relationship should be a source of inspiration, invigoration and hope.”
“Love is not two people gazing at each other, but two people looking ahead together in the same direction - by Antoine de Saint”
“If you lose yourself in love just because you are bored, and veer from your path in life, then love is nothing more than escapism.”
“Happiness is not something that anyone else, even a lover, can give you. You have to achieve it by yourself. And, the only way to do so is by developing your own character and capacity as a human being, by fully maximising your potential. If you sacrifice your own growth and talent for love, you absolutely will not find happiness.”
“It is demeaning to be constantly seeking approval. If you find yourself in a relationship where you are not treated the way your heart tells you you should be, I hope you will have the courage and dignity to decide that you are better off running the risk of being alone for the time being rather than enduring an unhappy relationship.”
PS: I copied all these quotes I found in a book into my organizer and kept it with me always as a reminder that I could achieve more for myself and for my family. Every human beings has his potential. I hope my comments did not unintentionally offend you or anyone here.
PPS: Actually, I visited this page in particular several times already ever since I got your mail. I didn’t comment back then because I knew I wanted a deeper discussion in my comment. So here it is a long-winded one. Hope you don’t mind. LOL
Take care. And do write more. You are doing great already.
Errr… Kenny, can I make one small request? Would it be okay for me to blog about this post of yours at my site. I am just going to link it to my blog and repost my comment there. I just wanna share my sentiments with my blog friends, at the same time introducing them to your new blog. Hope you’ll be okay with it. Thanks.
Kenny…. it is a funny old world, but we always hurt the ones we are closest to - treat them the shabbiest, because “it is ok. if they know me, they should understand how i feel. if they love me, they should accept it”. It’s ok, time will sort things out. Persevere!
in response to asstha:
“no doubt I’ll get hurt in the end, but if you’re prepared for that to happen won’t the blow be less painful?”
no it won’t be, trust me. it will hurt like hell regardless.
and yet, we continue to love, knowing we are only hurting ourselves.
A beautiful post, a delicate balance of dignity and openness.
To me, Griselda is the face of the enduring human spirit - that ability to see beyond the sleights and deceptions of the world, beyond the illusions and fears we create, and see to the very truth of the matter, to know it’s worth and patiently persevere in the cause of it.
crimonsilk
An interesting discussion on love.
This one line I sensed much truth in, “Intimacy isn’t a touch or thoughts; it isn’t a constant presence. Maybe what it is how we deal with it when we are separated, maybe that’s true intimacy, maybe that’s how we know.”
I also agree strongly with Kleio the Muse, that communication is the most vital aspect of a relationship.
Let’s put it like this: in the case of Griselda did the king tell her that her children had been killed? Maybe Griselda merely suspected that the king had gone and killed her children. Perhaps it was a subjective experience from which she could have been emancipated had she had more trust in the King and communicated with him about her childrens disappearance. She would have then gained an objective view of what had happened - that her children had not been killed but had been sent somewhere else.
Even if the king had indeed been testing Griselda, if she had approached him with trust and love to understand him, perhaps that in itself would have signified her ‘passing the test’ which was set by the king. And of course, the king needs to be able to trust his queen who was taken from the fields: her approach would signify that SHE trusts him and therefore HE can trust her.
Interesting discussion, very relevant.
Regards
In the modern society, I am surprised that there are still some Griseldas around. So, all the bras burning in the feminist propaganda had somewhat only lived up to a certain degree.
Love hurts. Period. And I want nothing of it.
Just a note to let you know that I have linked this insightful column of yours in 2 of my blogs:
My Blogspot blog
My VOX blog
Thank you for your consent to let me share this post of yours.
“The more we share, the more we gain.”
FireHorse
In hindsight, perhaps what you say is true, and perhaps I want it to be true, but only time can tell. It does hurt the deepest (or feels that way) but who knows how long it will last, how strong will it feel?
Would not something far stabler, something more sincere and secure, be stronger in its simple pleasures and nodding acceptance? I may have found this, like a phoenix after a fire, and I refuse to let my past prevent me from embracing my future.
I love you, dear. Your words have helped me muchly throughout this life’s lesson. *hugs very tightly*
Magz
Well, main thing is I’ll be writing!
Yang-May
Yes, a good mix of shorter and longer pieces to keep myself juiced up and challenged! Thanks for the support!
Argus
“As we mature” — I’m hoping that that is true of me; there is certainly far less drama these days, though Life hasn’t gotten any less interesting.
Msiagirl
Grace is what we all need, my dear, to keep going with some dignity. And to love openly and without restraint. *hugs*
zewt
Three? Down to one again, bro… hehe.
asstha
I *love* your comments! They ramble on as much as mine do, but they also make so much sense, and above all, they touch me, they do. *hugs*
Yuri
“It’s always worth it, in some way it’s always worth it”
You said it, bro.
wmw
That’s a beautiful image, dear. And I’ve been fortunate enough to be on the receiving end of that too.
imeau
I can still remember how you taught me to let go. My dear, you have taught me well… just offer the cup filled to brim to God and let Him carry the weight for me… *hugs*
Tummythoz
If only we were all more like Griselda? But my dear, I’ve learned the only person we should be more like is ourselves. Truly truly.
Jackie
Thanks for a very well-thought out comment! I would agree that reasoning often fails us in this case, but the best part remains the magic that comes with going with the flow. It’s not all just hard work alone or simply “a feeling”… but a combination of both and more.
Kleio da Muse
I’m touched you thought this good enough to link to! And for sharing… Wow, even this many months later, I’m still surprised at your response. *hugs*
susu
Only thing is, we can’t expect them to just accept it. But it will come, I believe this more than anything else…
carrot
But don’t let that be a self-fulfilling prophecy — we don’t always have to hurt ourselves. We don’t.
crimsonsilk
I love your description of Griselda… dignified and enduring, and that’s how we can all strive to be, even in the worst of situations. To know our own worth and that of our best relationships and to work at it, making it stronger and more meaningful. Thanks.
EarthJoke
Communication being the key that I failed to grasp properly in the past, and so reading your comment again, in the aftermath, is rather poignant.
But I’m learning… I’m learning. Second chances are a gift, and I’m making the most of it.
anigma
It’s nothing feminist or conservative… just a metaphor. Yes, love hurts, and I can’t stop wanting more of it. It’s the best and worst thing in the world, and I love being in love!
Dear Kenny, thanks for dropping by my blog. I haven’t dropped in to peek on you for quite awhile, too, and am taking in the changes going on. Coincidentally, I am reading The Zahir by Paulo Coelho; it’s strange, what love does to you. And how much it can hurt. But then you find out also that your spirits and emotions can bounce back, after a time…..Anyway, this is great writing. You take care and write on.
Eliza
It’s great “catching up” with you through our blogs. Sometimes it’s the smallest connections at the most unexpected moments that make the greatest impact.
Anyway, I’m digressing. I love your comment because it’s true, though it may be hard to see it that way sometimes. We can bounce back, sometimes better than before. There is much to learn about Life, and I adore being alive!
I guess we always hurt the ones we love and get hurt by them cos we expect them to live up to a certain ideal image we impose on them. But by doing so, are we being fair to them? Are we being fair to us? If you truly love a person, shouldn’t you accept the person for whoever she/he is - good or bad? But should one stay in a relationship where both are constantly hurting each other? When do you let go and move on?
Piggles
There is no easy answer to that; everything I thought I had the answer at hand, the truth of it slips by me. What I have learned (for myself) is simply to enjoy what I have now whilst I still have it, hope it stays for a good long time (or indeed forever) but not hold on to it so desperately that I neglect to be happy in the meantime.
Joy is only joy when we allow ourselves to feel it. (As for hurt, that comes anyway; it’s enough to not run away but instead feel its full brunt and then not clutch at it still.)
I do not know when we should let go and move on, but I do hope you can be happy and well. *hugs*
Thank you for your well wishes and kind words. Closure will come eventually. Time goes on and so must we.
Piggles
Closure will come, but it doesn’t have to mean closing of old doors, but rather opening of new ones. I know this may sound a bit trite, but all the clichés in the world are here for a reason.
I am so glad you feel this way and know that you will the strength to move on and find yourself in a better place than before.
When you’ve been in love and been hurt because of love, all the clichés in the world suddenly seem like wise words of those who have been-there, done-that. No, I don’t wish to close my doors to her. It’s hard to hate a person whom you’ve loved deeply even when they hurt you badly.
Tuesday is D-day for me. The day I finally see her again, perhaps for the last time. I hope I get the answers to my nagging questions and then I can finally find peace of mind.
It is comforting to know that I am not suffering alone, but even strangers can empathise with what I’m going through
Piggles
“It’s hard to hate a person whom you’ve loved deeply even when they hurt you badly.”
It is hard, and I’ve realised that we don’t have to. At one point, I was so furious with my Ex for letting me get hurt so badly, but after that anger fades, all that remains is still the genuine love that we always had.
In my case, we were fortunate enough to become friends instead of going our separate ways (and indeed, I feel we are better this way; having the best bits of our relationship without any of the drama and insecurities — my Ex has become one of my best friends now! and that’s amazing), but I pray that you will have a different ending from mine.
But whatever happens, know that, in spite of the pain, the love was never in vain, and that love survives even when the relationship changes.
You love, and you are loved. That’s the most beautiful thing we can experience.
*hugs you tightly*
Kenny..
There’s just something about your writing that brings me to that place..
This piece you’ve written, it speaks to me. It speaks in words I’ve never heard spoken before. And it hurts a little.
I’ve been away for almost 2 years now. And there are times when I wish the distance would just disappear. It’s tough, to say the least, wanting someone so much. And the wait.. that hurts even more.
I remind myself, too often, that we have our own lives to carry on. I can’t possibly stop mine altogether, I owe myself at least that much.
Maybe I’m getting used to it. It’s been 2 years. Oh, we talk, we chatter, we have our conversations. We even see each other every once in a while, when the internet’s good and the webcam’s working.
It’s just, I miss being THERE.
But, if we’re working hard and slogging it out, for ourselves, then I guess, we really are worth it. And we’re okay with that.
Michelle
Michelle
“It’s just, I miss being THERE.”
I know, dear, I know. *hugs*
Sorry I missed the deadline. My family and I just got back from a road trip. By the way, thanks for the birthday wish that you left on my blog.
The title of this article caught my eye, “Why Do We Always Hurt The Ones We Love?” We are not supposed to hurt the ones we love.
But, our anger and pride sometimes speaks louder than our love. You are right, grace is what we all need. GRACE = FORGIVENESS + GIFTS.
Lee Ping (Mrs. HBT): No worries, we had a good time counting down the votes for the favourite story. And I like your Grace Equation. What “gifts” are you referring to, dear?
I was thinking about food. The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach.
Lee Ping (Mrs. HBT): So very true; it certainly is a way to mine, haha. But what about the ladies? What do women want?
I am assuming you are asking me what women/ladies want from their men? A Prada bag? A roof over a home that doesn’t leaks? Quality time? Children? Honestly, I don’t know. I am still figuring out what Mom wants.
However, I thought, what would make me (a woman) happy? You probably already know this, woman was made from a bone taken from man.
… and the rib which the LORD God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. Then the man said, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.” Genesis 2:22-23
Therefore, if a woman is ill, wouldn’t the man hurt as well? You see, if a bone in your body hurts, it will affect the rest of your body.
…Husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. Ephesians 5:28
Having a personal relationship with Jesus is what I really want from my man. Only then, will I get what I want.
Lee Ping (Mrs. HBT): I really do hope you get what you want, dear. *hugs*
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