Sigur Rós by James Jean
How do I know that you are the One?
I see around me couples who have been together for years, some married with mortgages and kids, some who run businesses together; others separated by distance due to dilemmas of work or visas, yet knowing that this distance, this separation, is only temporary, secure in the knowledge they have something stronger, something more permanent, more lasting.
Is this really true, though? I cannot judge; there may be currents of which I’m unaware, but these problems are not mine. All I can see is the surface and what I can see looks enticing.
Am I promiscuous in my continued search for the Right One? Is it not better manners simply to settle, and to settle down? Make do. Learn to compromise. I’ve seen enough who have done it and they look happy enough. Perhaps it’s high time I give it a try.
Perhaps.
There is this longing to find someone who gets you, who truly understands, and is willing, is able, to meet all the horrors with a brave face, to know you for who you are, and still love you.
Love. Such a difficult word.
More often than we would like to admit, love is illusory. It comes and it goes; it does not last, not against the vagaries of time and everyday realities, yes? What happens when you wake up one day and realize you no longer love the person sleeping next to you? What would you do, what would you say? What could you say?
Truth. Such a difficult lie.
My dear, you have an uphill task before you. I have told you why: there was once one who was my boo, and then, one night, no more. It was so easy; we sort of just knew it even before it came, and when we both agreed on breaking up, on not being together anymore, we were far less concerned about our feelings than how we were to break this news to our friends whom, at times, seemed more involved, more invested than we were in this brief affair.
It was a fairy tale my friends had wanted for me, badly. And I had believed I wanted it too.
After, they would reveal that they saw it coming. It was a rebound, at the end. It saved me from the hurt of the earlier end with my Ex; I would have drowned in my own sea of grief and loss otherwise. They saw it, because they did not see in my eyes the same spark, the same delight and passion, that I had with my Ex. These things are true, and easy to observe, for my friends take their guardianship of me rather seriously.
And now, much later, there’s nothing left. There never was, my friends tell me; they had suspected it all along. I had once jokingly told my boo, “You missed out on a good thing, babe” and my boo had answered, “I know.”
But does it matter? There is a sea of people out there, millions who could potentially be ‘The One’ — there must be more than one, surely? There must be so many; all it takes is a chance encounter, and then…
Choices. Such difficult fortune.
Years ago, I remember thinking I was not too different from Tom Ripley, Matt Damon’s character in the film ‘The Talented Mr. Ripley’. His hunger for love, for affirmation, for the light of someone who would want him, it was his undoing. He’d never settle, never find what he wanted. These days, I find closer kinship to Tom’s object of affection, Dickie Greenleaf:
K: btw, the ex (apparently my conscience now, haha) just called me over lunch to remind me not to mislead all these sweet young things
M: well, u do have a way of getting ppl to fall for u
K: is it my fault if ppl fall for me?
M: in all honesty, i think that you tend to make ppl feel good based on the nice words you say to them
M: and you usually have a lot of nice things to say to everyone
M: so everyone feels like they’re the most important person in your life
M: so i don’t blame anyone for falling for u
And a conversation that had begun in jest suddenly became far more serious. This is the danger I fear for you, my dear. Those three words are much too easy; they slip from between your beautiful lips would that I allow it. But I won’t. Not yet.
This sea of us; there are too many choices, too many temptations. There will always be someone more interesting, more dynamic, more appealing, just for that moment… and that single instance destroys everything. (Assuming there’s anything built up to destroy in the first place.)
I don’t want to hurt you, my dear. I don’t want to be hurt either. We have both had enough of that.
Or do we?
What have I learned? That I cannot think for my lovers, that I cannot live their lives for them and worry their troubles away. If you would hurt, if you would suffer, that will happen however we struggle to escape it, however honest our intentions. I cannot stop you from falling in love with me any more than I can stop myself from falling in love again, with you, this time. (I dare not even hope that it would be the last time.)
It is a risk we both take.
This sea of us; there are so many choices, so many temptations, so many people struggling to connect. But it is not impossible. We do connect. We do. We connect. To allow fear and past pain prevent us from admitting this would be a mistake. And I don’t believe in mistakes, just lessons. I keep learning. That’s life. We’re all beginners at this.
How do I know that you are the One? I don’t.
The truth is there are too many choices for love. There is always someone better, isn’t there? But. Here’s another thing I’ve learned: The trick to it is simply realizing that someone else better is right in front of you, always.
Always.
The true choice for love is simply risk. Take a chance. This sea of us would drown and engulf us all; but we have found each other, and I would clasp you to my bosom, my dear, your hands in mine, and let us swim and struggle and see where this take us.
40 Comments
One doesn’t know, one only feels…
Funny how you’ve put some of my recent musings on love into words here, abit chilling though. But the fact remains that it takes two to tango so whilst one is single and free…I think one should soar anyway
wmw
Good point. Feelings keep shifting though, and how do we trust them? Hmm.
Magz
Really? Wow. I guess these sort of thoughts or musings are truly universal, no? And yes, it does take two to tango; the only question is which two out of this vast sea of people?
Soaring is a neat idea.
Wow such a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG post!! *Huggies*
“There’s no such thing as ‘The One’. Just ‘The One at the Right Time’.”
The wise words of my best friend
Nastasshea @ Nesh
Gosh, do I normally write such terribly brief notes? Hmm. Well, don’t expect these many words in the future, haha. I like to keep expectations of others low for whatever I’m to deliver.
Piggles
Wise words indeed.
love. first day into my final yr, and i’ve found out quite a few classmates got engaged over the hols. drowned in the sea of love i did.
btw thx for the condolences. ppl die, but true, pure love doesn’t.
I agree. Love is a risk to take. It could bring you abundant joy and also, sink you the deep brink of despair. If you never take risks, you will never know. But most people who hasn’t tried, blame it on their bad luck, bad genes, bad timing when actually they were merely chicken shit.
Jun
Oh, I don’t know. The drowning’s not too bad, is it? It’s not always easy nor enjoyable, but I’ve always found it to be worth it, swim or struggle.
And yes, you’re right, dear. The best part of love always survives. *hugs*
Gina
“But most people who hasn’t tried, blame it on their bad luck, bad genes, bad timing when actually they were merely chicken shit.”
Not quite sure I’d put in those exact words, but you’re not far off the mark. It despairs me sometimes to meet and talk to people who have ‘given up’ when I discover they haven’t really tried yet, or stopped after one so-called ‘failure’.
To each their own, but I can’t imagine not trying. I can’t imagine giving up.
See, this entry ultimately is a love-letter not to some supposed infatuation or dreamlover; it’s really a love-letter to myself, reminding me of my motto: ‘Never Give Up, Never Surrender!’
(Slogan courtesy of Galaxy Quest, no less. Hehe.)
i like the title but a sea of us is rather tragic, isn’t it?
coming from a foodie perspective, i’d like to think of it as a buffet spread. a wide selection of delicacies to choose from.
promiscuous tempura? or pure love for the eclairs? anyhow, it’s better to suffocate from gluttony than seawater, ain’t it? a rather optimistic approach, no? sorry for leaving some oil stains on your post…just had some fried vegetables *wink wink*..haha!
my friends who are married say that “you just know” when you’ve found the one. everyone gives me the same answer. must be some truth in that, then? *shrugs*
i once heard, on TV (some reality show, no less!), that it’s not about finding the right one but about finding the one who wants to make it right with you. makes sense, no?
“The true choice for love is simply risk. Take a chance.”
But it’s scary as hell…
Nic (KHKL)
Oh it’s not tragic at all, my dear Poet. A sea of us is more or less a buffet spread, to switch metaphors… There are so many of us, that it is impossible to say that there is only one, no?
For some reason, readers have been interpreting this as a rather maudlin, depressing entry whereas I felt quite chirpy writing it. Hahaha.
If it helps any, the “my dear” in this post isn’t directed at anyone in particular, but more so, whoever in the future who may have the misfortune in getting interested in this fossil called Kenny Mah.
It’s like a warning sign: “Beware of Dog” (the dog being me lar). Yet in retrospect, after reading what I had written, I have realized that the post was written to myself, really. The lessons are for me to learn, and as a good friend puts it, it’s high time for me to learn to mean what I say…
carrot
“you just know when you’ve found the one.” & “it’s not about finding the right one but about finding the one who wants to make it right with you.”
They are both true, really. I believe I had found the One once, but we discovered we weren’t ready, not with our own insecurities and what not. But these are good lessons learned, that will help us in the next stage of our lives. I believe this.
And loving is a risk; but true love, the way we all wish to see it — something mutual, something lasting — that is, in John C. Maxwell’s words, “a risk survived”. There is no choice, really. If we don’t risk ourselves, we don’t love either.
If it makes any difference, I’m scared as heck too.
*hugs*
hi kenny….first time i’m leaving a comment here after silently stalking your blog for a while. i love your posts about life and love, because strangely it reflects how i feel too.
i am now too deciding if i should take a risk and let this (seemingly) wonderful guy into my heart. a part of me wants to take this risk, and yet another part of me is scared as hell. scared of being hurt again. wondering if he is really the one? wondering if i could really take another broken heart?
but i suppose you will never know if a person is the one or not. and like you said “The true choice for love is simply risk. Take a chance.” and then we’ll see where it takes us…
Lingzie
Thanks for reading and for your comment! I think we are all vulnerable in our own way, but I think you already know what you want to do. Sometimes all we need is that little push, yes?
Here’s a hug, no matter what happens: HUGGLES!
Hiii… Was just browsing. That was a really beautiful post.
But I’m sure it’s not something you don’t already know. Take care.
kenny mah, the reason why i don’t watch korean serials is coz i don’t want to cry lah…life’s way too short to weep over some drama which writers plot out..but your post ah, keeps making me cry. firstly when i read the actual posting. and now reading through the comments, i lagi nangis.
aiyoooo…don’t lah make me cry you a sungai ;)not until we do the yum cha thing!
Lil Miss Sunshine
Hiiii back to ya!
Thank ye kindly for them, uhm, kind words. Appreciate your taking the time to mention so.
Yin
It’s not my meaning to make you weep; perhaps when we meet again my face shall put you to sleep? (Aku nggak bisa buat this rhyming nonsense lah…)
Kenny, you’re much too romantic to ever settle, you tease you!
You will seek, find and then realize that such labels as ‘The One’ are irreverent, and don’t even begin to hint at the awesomeness of that person. And there will never be someone better than the one you’re with. It’s not something you will have to psyche yourself into, it will just be the way things are.
But I must warn that timing (as unromantic as it is) is unfortunately of essence as you seem to have found. Sadly we’re sometimes forced to surrender to it the power to make or break us.
But there is hope, always hope! Gambatte comrade!
nouvoqueen
“You will seek, find and then realize that such labels as ‘The One’ are irreverent, and don’t even begin to hint at the awesomeness of that person.”
Too true. And I know that this awesome person is out there, right now. In front of me soon enough. Faith is everything. Even with timing.
And I believe that the timing is just perfect. In this moment. Surrender to the moment. Ah me ah my…
Ignore me, folks, I’m just in a terrific mood right now. Hehe. And wheeeee…
Love,
Never try, never know.
Love,
If we try, we’ll get hurt.
Love,
If we don’t hurt, it ain’t love.
Love,
We play this silly game, only to lose.
Love,
But I rather lose myself with someone, than not to love at all.
Love,
Will eventually come. until then, shop around!
Love,
That’s my two cents worth.
“If you have to ask, then you’ve missed the point,” says I as I sit in a Lotus position. “There are no answers to the mysteries of life and love.”
it tends to complicate matter when it comes to knowing if he/she is the one when there’s many choices. look at our grandma’s time lah, arranged marriage etc. some are not happy no doubt, but some are too. but look at now, divorce rate is getting higher by the day.
i guess i wanna say that, you will be ready when all the numbers/fishes out there don’t mean a thing to you anymore but what matters most is the one infront of you, being with you going through good and bad. feelings changed because of some obstacle you face, no?
its normal lah …
when you are ready, all those does not matter!
I reli dunno if there is such a ting as the right one, maybe there is a “right one for now” but who knows, i mean even after so many many years of marriage one can still go their different ways.
Whoa…and I thought I had issues
Haiya, bite the bullet I say!
A Lil Fat Monkey
Aye to that, brother!
Tunku
And isn’t that just it? When it fits, when it’s natural and easy and everything feels as though it’s perfect (when nothing ever is), then that’s just it. You know, you just know.
ImbiNithcy
“…but what matters most is the one in front of you, being with you going through good and bad…”
That’s just it, isn’t it? For all my blather, that’s all I want. I’ll know when I’m ready, yes. Hopefully. Hahaha…
Firehorse
Which is why I’m all for celebrating and making most of what I have today, right in front of me.
unkaleong
Ah the problem I’m dodging some bullets and chasing others… if that makes any sense. And are you sure yours is bigger than mine? We should sit down one day over a cuppa and compare our, uhm, issues.
Kenny are u around?? Can i tok to u?
Firehorse
Yup. Tok away, dear. Use Gmail lah.
You can never be sure if the other person is The One or not… even if u think they are, they might not be and vice versa. Love is a funny thing, my dear. Even for me.. til now, i don’t dare to say he’s the one. Don’t even dare think bout any future of us together..
but then again.. when it comes to my situation, who dares to think? *winks*
But i do say this, and i honestly believe it.. if u do no try, u will never know. =D
Spiffy
I think Tunku got it right… we think far too much sometimes. And if I can enjoy what I have right in front of me now, why not? The same may well apply to you, dear. But we all have to lead our own lives and not another’s, so all I will say is that I’m praying for the best for you, for you do deserve it.
And yes: Tak cuba, tak tau, kan?
Kenny dear, every year I thank God for the extra year that is given to us and I pray for the next. Last December was our 28th anniversary - and I just remember 28 years ago asking him not to make any promises.
Kak Teh
28 years! Wow. That is simply amazing. I guess gratitude for what we have is paramount… as well as not having too many expectations:
“I just remember 28 years ago asking him not to make any promises”
… I wonder many of us these days could do that, though. Hmm.
Nice post. I do agree on risk-taking coz no-one know who’s THE ONE for you, not even you know if THE ONE is the one. Also, I don’t believe in The Right One, coz The Right One would have to coincide on the right time, the right moment…that are most of the time probabilistic!
tigerfish
Hehe. I have to admit I almost regret writing this post. I had a surfeit of being called SWEET from the earlier entries, and now pulak got all these THE ONE, THE RIGHT ONE, SOMEONE… aiyo maybe better if simply got NO ONE?
… wouldn’t it be funny if we end up with the RIGHT TWO instead? I hear threesomes are in season this time of year, haha.
(Just kiddin’!)
“There is this longing to find someone who gets you, who truly understands, and is willing, is able, to meet all the horrors with a brave face, to know you for who you are, and still love you.”
Actually its easy to find them… the question is, are they willing to spend the rest of their lives with you? …Love is one thing..but marriage and all is a whole other thing.
teckiee
“Love is one thing..but marriage and all is a whole other thing.”
Yes, that’s something I’ve discovered too. Ah well, go with the flow, eh? What will come, will come.
Ekks suddenly all these “the one” bug is everywhere including Female mag :S
Hehe always see you commenting at other food bloggers site but never made my way here.
Hm my mother always stresses…”To be loved more is better than to love more”…
:S she and her funny sayings again.
Jian
Hehe, yes. I’m an official food blogger groupie (but not a food blogger myself).
And while I’m usually the one who loves more, I can’t help but agree with your mom. Sometimes it’s nice just to be loved. Wise lady, her.
As for “The One” bug, haiyo… don’t blame me lah… I might be lighting the flames… but I didn’t start the fire!
ah, lapping up the words of wisdom by “M” i see…
nice to be young and still idealistic about lurve huh.
fatboybakes
Lapping them up, and then some.
One needs only to imagine my poor self lying permanently on the sage and winsome laps of “M”, her soft voice caressing me with kind comfort — O how she lubs me! O how she weeps for my winter of unbelovedness!
(You know, like a female cross between Santa and Cupid?)
Not so young am I, sir, not anymore, but I do refuse to become jaded. Green’s not my colour.
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