‘Leaf of Love’ by Andrejs Pidjass
There are months in which we love, and months in which we are loved.
They say February is a time for romance, for flames and flames renewed. A time for hearts, roses, dark chocolates and other empty symbols. They say April is a season of fools, and when fools make love, even order is overturned by blind passion. The joke, my friends, is always on us.
But February has departed and April has yet to grace us. It is the middle of March, a cruel month, a wet and hot month here. The weather is unpredictable and our daily appetites even more so. How are we suppose to act and to behave in this uncertain spectrum of feeling? This is a heady aroma, this lust that seeks us out; we are lions stalking our lambs; we will crush bones and rend flesh and swallow our prey whole; we will devour.
I am oh so hungry.
Dinnertime. Soft murmurs. Bottles of good red wine can loosen tongues. I host my friends and we sup and we laugh and above all, we share secrets. This isn’t gossip, merely the taste of truth left to linger upon careless lips and unraveled desires. The dining table becomes a bed of play and playfulness. Watch yourself, honey, you don’t want to go there… or do you?
In midst of all the reckless giggles and shocking revelations, I throw my guests a simple question: Would you rather love someone more than they love you, or have someone love you more than you love them?
This isn’t a trick question, no; I am truly curious. I am famished for the answer, for some kind of Understanding. It is, however, rather tricky. Some answer quickly, nervously; others hesitate and ponder… but the answer is unanimous. Everyone choses the latter.
Better be loved than to love.
I have to confess, their answer surprises me, hurts me a little. It tears at my ideal of What Love Should Be. Yet it isn’t a flippant reply; this response comes from experience, from years of relationships good and bad. My friends, they know. What it is like on both sides of the coin. And they choose this side.
They ask me my question in return, knowing my answer even before I reply. I am stubborn; I shall never change, never learn, it seems. I need to love you more than you love me, unless you can love me as much as I do you. I don’t want to settle. I don’t want someone who will do. I don’t want simply a good match, a decent future together and fantastic sex.
I want all of these and more.
I want to be a lion hunting down your lamb; I want to terrify you, to scare you into submission; I want to grab you with my teeth and throw you, to swing you, to render you shapeless and soft; I want to press down on you and feel you rise up against me in rebellion. I want you to challenge me and meet me at my best; I want you to beat against me and curse me and tear at my clothes, my hair, my skin, my very flesh. I want you to devour me even as I devour you; the lion swallows the lamb swallows the lion…
I want to love you even as you love me. There is no more or less; there is no just enough or good enough; I will not settle. I scream at full ballast, “I WILL NOT SETTLE!”
No, I will not settle.
If you will take this lion to pasture, if you will make a lamb out of me and settle me down into docility, you better be prepared to take on all of me, to make a full meal out of me (oh I do hope you’re hungry!), and not leave a scrap or waste a single drop — there must be nothing left to linger.
43 Comments
Grrrowl! Run Kenny Run! A very ravenous rabbit is in pursuit!
Like your friends, I choose the latter. I think. Well. Hmmmm…
“…I need to love you more than you love me, unless you can love me as much as I do you…”
I agree. There’s no perfect love (except for God) and love is a process of continuous giving and receiving, understanding and accepting. Love is “uncountable”. How to measure?
Paprika
Oh what makes you think this lion-lamb wants to run away from this seductive lil ravenous rabbit? Hmm?
Bring it on!
Jojo
I like the idea of a process of continuous giving and receiving, understanding and accepting. Thanks.
As for how to measure, well, it’s as with the drops of tears in the oceans…
i have always loved a person more than they love me. and it hurts, it can hurt so bad. so i suppose i can understand that most ’sane’ people would chose the latter, to be loved more.
but like you, i stubbornly refuse to settle. and ideally he would love me as much as i love him.
i have told myself time and again that the next time, it will be someone who loves me more… but you know what they say about a man’s best paid plans… it always goes the other way!
oops typo.. supposed to read ‘a man’s best LAID plans…’
holy love ! that is a heavy passionate plea of wild penth-up emotions or issit ?
fear not for love is unplannable and full of heartbbbbbreaks for how good can a dish taste except when you have tasted worse ?
so go on devour while you can just make sure none devours you first…
Neh me no belip in luv anymore ;P
Hellooo scary lion! We-ell you are askin’ fer it aint’cha?
When you’ve been in a relationship long enough, the balance of power can swing back and forth, sometimes alarmingly, sometimes in a more equable manner…but to love someone truly is to give up the power play, and that only comes with trust and time.
Grasp the nettle, my friend.
Lingzie
I so get what you mean, dear. And I’m behind you all the way… of course, I am also laughing my ass off at your typo… what a Freudian slip!
(Is it true for some men to get LAID, someone must get PAID?
)
tonixe
Passion, yes. Plea, no. Pent-up, oh most definitely not. Assume that all of these emotions are released daily. I don’t believe in stiffling myself, heh.
And some dishes may taste bad, and others may taste good, but my appetite knows no bounds, my dear…
Kopi Soh
But. U must belip! The Lub is True! Always belip!
Msiagirl
Trying my best to do so, my dear. But there are so many nettles…
yeah my typo is so totally embarassing-ly funny! *pai seh, pai seh*
I think the key is to go with the flow, not think about it too much and let it come naturally (the loving, i mean….but I guess it applies to a lot of other things too…). Why set boundaries and parameters…”I am gonna love him more than he loves me”, or “I won’t love him more coz I don’t wanna get hurt”. Why think so much about who does more loving? Why even compare? When one enters into a union, one agrees to love unconditionally.
Like how I love my sushi unconditionally. Mmmmmmm. Who gives a damn whether my sushi loves me back as much. It’s irrelevant.
Lingzie
Hehe, the best typos always are.
Lyrical Lemongrass
“Like how I love my sushi unconditionally. Who gives a damn whether my sushi loves me back as much. It’s irrelevant.”
I take that as a yes to my side of the argument.
Kidding aside, it’s so true what you said about not overthinking and not comparing. The doing, however, is a different matter. I’m discovering the joys of a healthy blatant disregard for rules and conventions right now.
To heck with going with the flow, I Am The Flow!
I guess most of the time throughout a relationship, it is not consistent. Sometimes you love more, sometimes they love you more.
Which one I prefer? As much as I prefer to love more, there are times that I just want to lay back and be pampered
seowyin
“As much as I prefer to love more, there are times that I just want to lay back and be pampered”
I couldn’t agree with you more, dear. Just that… most of the times, I’m the one doing the pampering… What to do, right?
… anyone wants to apply for the position of Pamperer-General of Kenny Mah?
if you desire the person so much, heck the question of you lab me more or i lab you more lahhhh … as long as i feel he lab me, i happy lah.
hmmmmm dilemma…..
ordered the Ferrari in red but thats on back order till 2010
should I settle for the yellow one…..will I love it more or will I grow to love it more as time goes by
you love to love only to love to be loved in return. sometimes i wonder if love is the source of all evil and pain. then again, we are all masochistic in our own way.
“to love and to be loved”, it’s a paradox, i’d say.
but i sure salute you for standing by your perfectionistic view of love.
i agree with lemongrass.. why even compare in the first place? while some are lucky to love and be loved in return..some slips away from the surface of the earth; never knowing, never feeling; the greatnest of love. just drown ourselves in this sheer feeling; while we can, while we may.
Ah! Subject close to my heart. Shouldn’t there be a third option for both to love each other equally? But the idea of being able to measure the amount of love one has for another is such an amusing one. To me it’s either you do or you don’t, black or white, no shades of grey here.
Settling is out of the question and so is loving someone who doesn’t feel the same. My whole beef with settling is how unfair it is to the person you have ’settled’ with. What happens when one fine day you finally fall head over heels in love with someone else?
how come u sound like u havent had sex for damn too long and want it so badly??…
how does 1 measure love? hopefully not by the weighing machine man..
ImbiNithcy
Haiyo, ini imitation punya product ni… Ape ‘lab’ u or ‘lab’ me? As patented by the Lyrical Lemongrass and the Kenny Mah, it’s Lub. Say it together with me now, people: Lub.
L-U-B.
Lub. Lub. Lub. It’s what makes the world go round. And if you have enough of it, you also turn quite round.
*sees own wad of belly flab*
Yes, indeedy. Lub. You know you want it.
ARGH such a difficult Q to answer. i hate ultimatums. but being the insecure person i am, i am going to have to join the majority. siiigh. it’s sad to admit, but it’s true. >_o
ahahah, concerning your last response to imbinithcy, i like another saying better,
“love might not make the world go round, but it makes the ride worthwhile”… or something like that. ;P
ooh, i agree with nic : we are all masochistic, only on different aspects and different levels huh? it’s quite sad.. hmm.
Excuse me.
*wave like mad*
Kopi soh! Kopi soh! Kambek, kambek!
Thank you.
corsaro
Heh. That’s the kind of dilemma I’d love to have. Envies ya. Hates ya. But also lubs ya. Cos that’s the kind of guy I yam.
*sniggers*
Nic (KHKL)
I lub it when you comment, Nic @ The Poet Flogger. You simplify everything I say and make it so obvious… Maybe I am too verbose for my own good, no?
Hehe.
I wouldn’t say I have a perfectionistic view of love though. I expect it to be dirty and ugly, and welcome it, warts and all… but I do believe it’s up to us to make a relationship the way we want it to be. There is nothing wrong with idealism, if we can hack it.
sc
Why even compare? Good question. I’m not altogether sure I am. It’s a matter of preference, of different paths taken. Who knows? I may yet divert and take a different route to true, lasting love.
But you shame me. The way you put it, the way you describe the loss of something never found, never tasted, never discovered… it reminds me to be grateful, to have found this over and over again. To be loved so much and to have love so hard, and to not have given up and to continue loving and loving true… I am blessed, a fortunate man, and I have nought to gripe about.
While we can, while we may, shall we drown? Aye, we shall!
Jackie
Ah, but I thought my point at the end of my piece was that it must be the Third Option, for me anyway.
There is no true equality, true… but what I aspire to is a similar amount of emotion and investment from both halves of this whole. It may not be 50/50, but damn, if we fit, if one half clasp the other like a twin, like a second wing or sound-safely skin, then there is no measure of love — you find the meaning in the act of love, in the living.
No settling for us, then, eh?
lotsofcravings
“how come u sound like u havent had sex for damn too long and want it so badly??”
Let’s just say some of you lot know the answer to that one; and for the rest of you who don’t, well; hope you guys have fun as you keep guessing.
Zaty
Thanks for that saying… Love does make the ride worthwhile… kinda the like the journey being the point, and not the destination, eh?
There is no measure of love, simply the meaning we take in it, the meaning we make of it.
Tummythoz
*joins in*
Kopi soh! Kopi soh! Kambek, kambek!
I would find having a partner ‘who loves me more than I love him’ annoying. In reality, we love equally but differently.
Have you seen or read Milan Kundera’s ‘The Incredible Lightness of Being’? The girl says she loves the dog “more, no, better,” because she doesn’t ask anything of the dog while she struggles with the fact that her man f*cks around outside their love.
argus
OMG! You will not believe what is my current bedside reading! What are the chances???
argus
(…con’t.)
Yours is the best description yet I’ve come across of te sort of partnership I desire: “we love equally but differently.”
And back to Milan Kundera’s ‘The Incredible Lightness of Being’. I’m currently re-reading it. (I have another copy in my home in Malacca too; for some reason I bought a second copy thinking it was Kundera’s ‘The Book of Laughter and Forgetting’, which I enjoyed more but till date, do not possess.)
What the girl observe is true, but I also know how the man feels. Tomas had all but given up hope on love and had set his life just so with this philosophy of rotating his mistresses till Tereza walked into his life, with her conviction and determination. Sometimes love is two people persuading each other of its existence.
Ha ha, Kenny. Serendipity indeed.
Just as women and men are equal but different. It’s no use comparing love. In fact, if I prefer that I love my partner less than he/she loves me, then I am ‘kiasu’, self-protecting and not truly loving the other person. In other words, scared to live fully. Like someone else said here, either you love or you don’t love.
It is futile to protect oneself from the pains of love because to love is to experience joy as well as to hurt like hell (it goes both ways).
I admit I am selfish, I would rather be loved more.
is that most of the answers you get anyway?
argus
“It is futile to protect oneself from the pains of love because to love is to experience joy as well as to hurt like hell (it goes both ways).”
O wise are you indeed, my dear. I guess that’s it, huh? No escaping it. Might as well enjoy the ride…
sulee
Yeah, most of the answers go along that line, which is fine, really. Maybe that’s how it works?
While it’s nice to have someone love you to bits, I was never really comfortable knowing that I didn’t love one as much as that person loved me. I was always wondering how that person could feel so strongly for me and why I didn’t (couldn’t?) feel the same way back. But then I had the experience of loving someone else for whom love was just lip service. And it didn’t matter. I was in love and the flaws in that person just accentuated the perfection, if you get the paradox.
Long story cut short: just love as truly madly deeply as you can whether or not the other person loves you back as intensely cos being in love is the best feeling in the world
all’s fair in love and war. your side of the coin may not be the same side for another on the same coin or am i making any sense here?
Piggles
Just a thought: What if one is unable to love trulymadlydeeply? (Even if one wanted to?)
I guess sometimes having someone love you dearly isn’t enough if you don’t love that person as much or at all. Questions asked often answer themselves; I see this now.
And we keep on rolling…
I don’t think there is an answer for that…
unless one can quantify “love” and measure on a scale and balance like an equation. Then we will have quantifers such as who love “MORE”, who love “LESS”…
Am I being cynical?
One of the things someone told me recently: a lot of ppl go about in life looking for the perfect soulmate. But what they fail to do is perfect the relationship they have with their current mate.
Simple wisdom IMHO.
On a less heavy topic…which launch are you going to?
rokh
That’s an interesting premise. Who is to say one side of the coin remains the same for the next person? Even we choose to love another more/or allow that person to love us more, there are degrees to this?
Are you making any sense here? I’m afraid you are, horriblyterribly so… The truth shall set us free, or in this case, I think it may inspire me to write yet another piece…
I say thank you in advance, dear. There is something in this, something terrifying and beautiful…
tigerfish
Cynical? No, not really. Perhaps it is silly of me to even ask this question, for I know when it happens, it happens be it one way or the other, and we take it for what it’s worth while we have it.
So. It doesn’t really matter whether it is Less or More so long as it is there. Love is love is love. All different, and all the same. We have our questions and our quantifiers and our debates and our ideals and our philosophies but at the end of it all, love is something conjured up not just in bed, but in the clasp of one hand over another, one heart next to its partner.
Would we all be cynics in love, my dear…
Piggles
I’ve heard that quote before. But here’s the rub… perfecting that relationship is a two-heart project… you can’t do it alone.
Maybe my readers get the notion that I am ever seeking the perfect love. I am not. I am just trying to be simple ol’ me and trying to get a bit of love along the way. It need not be a struggle, I know, but there is so much… beauty in that, I suppose.
We can’t demand too much, but accept what we can get. Doesn’t mean I will settle, though. Acceptance is not settling is not giving up.
So. Yes. Till this lion gets tied down, it prowls and seeks, and this lamb inside continues to frolic freely. There is glee in every day, every happy moment.
P.S. Definitely the Curve… the BodyBalance launch, methinks. See you there? I have no idea what you look like, dear… come up and strike up a conversation with me. I really do not bite. (Unless I’m hungry.)
Have you ever read the “Love is…” comics? They have cute quotes everyday that go like “Love is…knowing her favourite scent” or “Love is…cooking his favourite meal”. Simple but if you put them all together, that’s what love means to me. Knowing each other inside out and cherishing them for who they are, not who you want them to be
When are you coming for BA la…Am not going for Curve launch this round. But have fun dear!
Piggles
That’s actually a cool way of putting it. Yeah, I have read those “Love is…” comic strips. (Mostly I wonder about them being nekkid, but…)
BA? Aside from BodyVive (which is yet to be officially launched), it’s the only Les Mills program I’ve yet to try… Well, perhaps the honour of meeting you in person for the first time shall be enough to entice me… (I’d prolly pengsan at the end of the hour though; I’ve heard it’s intense!
)
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