The light comes in softly, barely there this glare that it may not come from a sun at all, but a midday moon, a gentle glow that sweeps in with respect. It flows over her form as she shifts from pose to pose with poise and grace, wrapping around her like a dream. She turns, and smiles at you. The class is full, and full of strangers, but she makes each and every one of you feel as though she’s speaking to you alone.
“Breathe…”
.
It has almost been two years since I first joined the gym. How things have changed since then — I remember walking in with trepidation, unsure of what to expect; surely I did not belong here, with all these sweaty men and women, pumping hard and stretching themselves into inhuman positions? What were they doing?
All I could remember was me at fifteen; bloated up like a waddling whale, all 92 kilogrammes of me. Acne spreading over my face like a plague, bad teeth, bad hair and a rebellious temper to match it all. Adolescence can be such a pain. How many of you have had a fellow schoolmate prod you in the tummy and call you a “Fat Pig”?
Sadly, maybe more of you than there should be.
Children can be so cruel. But they are just children. Grown-ups should know better, don’t they?
Yet it isn’t a studio full of strangers who taunt me, but the memories of being different, of being fatter and thus lesser, of mockery and misery, these are the imaginary bullies who laugh at me again. The gym is neither friendly nor unfriendly; it is only what you make of it.
You are only what you make of yourself.
And me? I have always liked a challenge.
Fast forward to the present, and the gym feel very different. Warm or cool, it does not matter; I know how to navigate my way around here. There is a hierarchy perhaps, between the members — cliques abound and then, there are all those brave ones flying solo, unperturbed by any social ordering — and even the trainers and the instructors, but one can choose to ignore it.
I do.
Instead, I choose to see the faces which are grimacing under intense effort and discipline, faces worn but pleased by the results of sweat and tears, familiar faces who remember to smile at me for I always have a smile for them.
This is family, too.
And somehow, I have managed to transform myself. Not merely physically — that is always a battle between false poles of too fat and too thin when all I need to do is realise that I am fitter and healthier now than I have been at any other point in my life — but emotionally: to know that as I care for my body and push it to make the most of its potential, I am caring for myself.
I care about who I am, and what I can do with myself and this brief, wonderful life of mine. I have always liked a challenge. And now, I am living a life that keeps challenging, keeps pushing me further, asking more of me.
Working out is like coming home.
The class is almost over. Time to let go and relax, to reward yourself for giving it your all. Bring your breath down, slow your heart. Allow peace to settle upon your soul some (deep inside, part of it is singing, celebrating this very immediate moment of feeling truly alive). You have done well.
Close your eyes till it’s time to awaken and to open them once more. And when you do, don’t forget that lovely smile on your face. It will light up the room, and everyone else.
Breathe…
Photo credits: Courtesy of dear Rachel, who also wrote about me hosting an intimate dinner with my fellow BodyBalance instructors at my apartment. (Check out the pics!) Their presence absolutely lit up my lil haven and truly made it feel like a small piece of heaven…
46 Comments
“working out is like coming home”
i think i need to incorporate that into my mindset! cos i definitely need to get more exercise into my life! what with all my food blogging… lol
hahahahah! you just reminded me to go to the gym with I had abundoned for ages! So I must push to get to the gym!
Lingzie
Hahaha… Yes, that’s it! See working out as something fun rather than a chore.
I have to admit, when I first started, one had to drag me into the gym, but now it’s just another thing I do, like brushing my teeth and eating breakfast.
(You guys do brush your teeth and eat breakfast regularly, don’t you?
)
Big Boys Oven
Want me to call you every day and remind you or not? Ask LL on this matter — I’m a great nag! Hahahaha…
Kenny,
I am fat too! Die die, would you call me fat pig? hahahaha!
Hope it’s not too late to wish you a Happy Easter!:)
must be Xsaithing to be in this kind of highly charged place where every body has a great story, waiting to pounch …just like her …a solid & fair one , seems all ready
Kok
Hahaha, I where got call people fat one? It’s them ignorant and them bullies who do so.
But don’t worry, anyone dares call you fat, come and tell me. I’ll get my gang of gym trainers and instructors… see if anyone dares make fun of us fatties when faced with a wall of pure muscle…
(Gosh, I just read everything above and did I just advocate physical violence as a means of confronting bullying? Oopsies.)
tonixe
I love how you put it: “…where every body has a great story…”
And it’s absolutely true. Every single body that we see, in various stages of development, there’s a great story there of sweat.tears.soul — like a certain sports brand, they are just doing it, one workout after the next.
It gets easier, I assure you, but it’s the starting that takes the most out of us. It can be scary… I’ve been there, I know.
(So anyone who spots me in the gym, do come over and say hello, I won’t bite… and we all can do with a spot of encouragement!)
it’s hard to imagine u as a 90kg “fat pig”, kenny (or shall i call u “kenji” now since u seem to be quite disciplined when it comes to working out ;p).
yes, a gym can feel quite like home if u’ve been thr for a long time and ppl are friendly towards each othr. since moving in to my new place, i’ve stopped gng to the uni gym, which i’ve been patronising for the last 3 yrs, and u know wat i miss most? the cute blonde guy at the counter *tee-hee*
I wonder how I survived 25 years of my life labeled as a fatty…till today. I think self acceptance is the most important. Irregardless what society label you, you just need to be comfortable in your skin. I cannot entirely say I am comfortable in my skin, but I learned a great deal to accept who I am.
I couldn’t bring myself to the gym… I would snore during “corpse position” in yoga class! LOL!
Have you really managed to nag LL into the gym????LOL, I believe when I see it…
Jun
Hehe, I think you just hit on the perfect bait for most people to hit the gym regularly — some cutie behind the counter! Or a hot instructor or personal trainer? Hahaha…
But yes, it does take awhile to get used to a new place, and a gym is no different. Once you’ve made some friends (or ‘kaki gym’ as we call it), the rest is easy: you just have to show up.
Gina
Self acceptance is key, I definitely agree. It’s not easy though, and I still feel education is necessary to weed out bullying, especially in schools, for they don’t only have the potential to scar these young children for life, but may lead to more dangerous situations such as actual physical violence.
I don’t really care if folks call me skinny or fat these days… what is important is that I feel good about my body and myself and continue to take care of it.
It’s like maintaining my car… if I don’t do the boring, regular checks, it’d just die on me when I least can afford it to!
Msiagirl
That would have been the Achievement of the Year for me, my dear, if I manage to nag/drag LL into the gym. Trust me, I have tried and I have tried and I have tried some more.
However, everytime I touch on the subject, she has this deft ability to turn to subject to other topics such as the best sashimi in town or how a certain local politician would look utterly smashing if he’d only get rid of that silly janggut.
(Okay, I exaggerate. But you get the idea. It’s TOUGH persuading her.)
The Bald Eagle’s been a gym wabbit much longer than me, and if he hasn’t been able to convert his wife yet, what chance have I…?
I need to do more swimming, the only kind of exercise that will not affect my eye! I really can’t imagine you being over 90kg. I’m inspired ;o)
Challenges. It is that purpose in life that keeps us alive. We challenge ourselves in everyway we can…just to breathe easier.
And you were a 92 kg kid before? Welcome to the club! So was I! Haha! And I better challenge myself to the gym before I return to my old form.
wmw
That makes two of us — I definitely need to hit the pool more often!
Nic (KHKL)
You were 92kg before as well? Hahaha, we really should start a club … Here’s the thing though, there’s nothing wrong with being 92kg or 52kg or whatever so long as it’s healthy for our body size/type and we can carry it off well.
The body? It’s all in the mind, mate…
A couple of hours’ walk up and down some mountain paths is about all the ‘fitness’ I can handle, mate. ^_^ (Maybe I should start a class called Body Imbalance.)
argus
Body Imbalance? Good grief… I have a feeling your class will be much, much, MUCH more popular than mine!
Whoa 92 kilo’s! Hard to believe bro. To me going to the gym is so routine that when I don’t show up, body starts to feel a little ‘off’
Keep on truckin’ bro!
unkaleong
You better believe it, bro! Ninety-two kilogrammes. Over 200 lbs of Teenage Kenny.
And I so get what you mean about missing some days at the gym, my body starts feeling uncomfortable and goes through withdrawal symptoms… Fitness is an addiction! (A very healthy one though…)
muahahahh Random POKE POKE!
New BB is full of melancholic love songs…
how i wish that i can do my yoga gracefully..minus the sweating like cow and struggling hard face
G
Ouch.
Piggles
Yes, it is… which I kinda like. Especially the last track: Des’ree’s Kissing You. I love that song…
kampungboycitygal
Haha, that comes with time. I’m still sweating like a HERD of cows, plus my hamstrings are still so tight and inflexible. Baby steps, dear, baby steps…
hahaa its been 2 yrs since i joined gym..if u did a before n after pic..nothing has changed.HAHA..
dear..i think i better start treating my gym as my bed..embrace it with love and time..
lotsofcravings
Hahhaa… so you embrace your bed with Love and Time? Won’t your girlfriend get jealous of it? And then have to deal with your new infatuation with the gym some more!
Joe’s Two Beloved Ladies: Bed Beauty & Gym Girl!
Kenny oh Kenny…
the word “breathe” made me laugh out so loud. let me tell you why.
it was like 4 years ago, when i was still doing mat pilates, proper breathing was greatly emphasized.
one day while we were on the mat resting and doing the deep breathing and stretch, the instructor was shouting aloud, “breathe deeply”, “inhale”, “exhale”….
at the time when the loud “Inhale” was being shouted, suddenly a LOUD & HIGH PITCH and LONG… fart was let out by someone! everyone’s concentration instantly broke off and a great loud laughter burst out for a whole 5 minutes!
after doing pilates for 2 years, we are now doing high impact aerobics and kick-boxing. we find that we can break sweat faster and really feel very energized after an hour’s of almost ‘heart attack’ rate of pumping our hearts.
what i love is the super aching pain in the limbs and abs the next two days after exercise. it feels good! LOL…
(oh yes.. all the exercise makes you really hungry for food… you know where to view the photos of the food i eat. LOL )
keropokman
Omigosh… I’m in the Datin’s home now — the poor girl is ill and I brought her some soothing fish porridge — and reading your comment with her cheered the sickling tremendously.
I’m totally with you on pilates (and other stretching exercises like yoga) improves our cardio tremendously… My BodyBalance has enabled me to endure both BodyCombat (cardio) and weight training better.
And yes, all the exercise does make me really hungry for food… I eat eight times a day now! I need a pay increment to keep up with my eating habits, hahaha.
you beigng 92 kg at 15! woh i cant imagine, post some pictures!! heehe
sulee
I would say all the photos weren’t burned already long time ago, but that would be lying.
Truth is, I was so fat, my parents didn’t even waste film on me…
aduh… datin sakit?
fish porridge is good. home made porridge?
wow, 8 times a day? have some virtual meals instead. haha… it’s free and no calories or trans fat! LOL
my stomach growled just now, and my colleague heard it. LOL
keropokman
Ya lor, Datin jatuh sakit. But I think she is much better now with fish porridge in her tummy and the care & company of a good friend. Ahem.
My tummy growled earlier today too; so shy only… maybe it’s time to increase it to NINE meals?
I can’t imagine what will I become if I eat like you…*still amazed* But, like I say…you do put on a little now. Keep it up!
Er…I think my pictures too big. LOL *Shy*
And, credits goes to Jon Low for taking nice photos of me.
imeau
Hahaha, would you believe I really ate NINE meals yesterday? After work I went to Sri Paandi Curry House in Section 11, then Chef Loong’s Dim Sum and Dessert in SS2, and then had some roadside wantan mee…
You sure did make my day yesterday morning at breakfast when you said I managed to put on some weight.
And your pics are just nice, just like you, dear.
My apologies to Jon Low; yes, very much so credit to him on your photos. The man is a genius!
Glad to see you yesterday.
I am totally opposite of you…I didn’t have much food yesterday. I’ve been practicing for for my class, after my morning class. So, when I am on the stage for class again, my legs are shaking like nobody business. I can hardly balance, even for a simple StarPose…having trouble in standing still.
Waking up this morning, whole body aching…result of too much abs and core back work out.
Today…I am just gonna take a break. Maybe I will be joining others class.
Yeahhh!
This post only brings me guilt because I have not sweat it out for almost 2 months already, even since I got sick!
It always feels good after a workout!
imeau
Please don’t forget to eat regularly, dear… and get enough rest. With the amount of training and replacement classes you are doing right now, you are taxing your body to the max.
Your break today is very deserved indeed. *hugs*
tigerfish
Well, we should not exercise and strain ourselves when we are sick, but during recovery, it can be very helpful. Start with the lighter exercises, especially stretching ones like yoga.
And yeah, nothing matches the feeling you get right after a workout!
OMG Kenny! Those photos? I don’t recall them looking quite like that - all glowy
Missed you at the launch. I think we rocked the stage! He he!
ezura
Oh all of the glow came from you, dear. No Photoshopping needed at all.
And I was working throughout that week, including the holiday on Thursday and the weekend. Just ask Rachel — I even missed her Easter makan… She was so disappointed. I’m sorry, dears…
i love the pictures ^_^
the girl in purple is uber cute =D
Zaty
The pictures are great, aren’t they? I may suck at photography, but I have friends who are very talented at it, thank goodness!
And Rachel will be very flattered you find her über cute. I do too!
I understand how that feels. I was called “Gigantic woman” when I was in primary :S Nevertheless, I used the ‘advantage’ and took care of the ‘mini people’
Call that toddler violence…hehe
I did swimming this semester. It would help if the swimming pool is located nearer to dorm not over the other side of the hill at campus and not have to take along a 5kg laptop+bag with me. Class and swimming pool back to back : P
Oh but the reward was good. Slimmer body due to all the hill climbing + walking + swimming…However, class ended last month and now i have a layer of fat at my belly to combat…teruk lah kali ini.
*Shy*
Surely…you guys brighten my day! Thanks ^_~
Jian
Hahaha… ‘toddler violence’? I’m not sure if I am not equally guilty of using my size in the past to sway decisions my way. There is something to be said about one’s physical presence…
And I think it probably helped you to have the additional 5kg laptop and hill-climbing to help with the weight loss. Some days I wish my own laptop was heavier, hahah.
As for belly fat, eh, I oso got leh. Don’t look at me skinny arms and legs… my tummy can act as a cushion for most people to snooze on!
imeau
Hehe, anytime, dear, anytime. You do more than brighten ours — you fill our days with Joy you do!
*hugs*
aww you’re being too humble kenny! ;P
Zaty
Oh-ho-ho-no, trust me, I’m not being in the least beat humble. I truly suck at photography. But I’m willing to learn, if only to be less dependent on my friend’s photo-skills. And it is fun, innit, taking pics of your favourite things and people?
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