Lavender
Lavender’s not quite purple, not quiet violet, much less blue. Still, its fragrance reminds me of how you are supposed to feel when you are not quite sad but disappointed and hurt all the same yet not very certain as to why.
There are still colours I have yet to discover about you.
You have your silences, your hours and your days of quietness. When things go awry, you moan the wreckage of your carefully laid plans and precise schedules. It’s not me, I know, but somehow I feel it’s my fault. As though I could control the flow of traffic on the highways or extend the warranty on electronic devices to some time closer to Forever. And if I could, I would.
But I can’t and so I worry about your silences and your quietness, as the hours threaten to stretch to days. These lapses into stillness come and go, and are few and far between. Still, I worry: Is it me?
There are still colours I’ve yet to discover about you. I may not know them all — you continue to surprise me — but I know you. You are like the scent of lavender: unmistakable, and once I’ve had a whiff of it, unforgettable.
Mandarin
Mandarin’s not quite orange, no. Not quite acidic enough. This is warmth, loose as the skin of the citrus fruit, easy and comfortable. We wear this well. This camaraderie of souls. Conversations flow as smoothly as wine; they both pour out freely when there is nothing better to do on a lazy afternoon, a holiday. Surely we don’t need an excuse to take a break? Surely we deserve this?
Friends chat with me, we laugh, tears slid free of their bearings, such filthy humour, such merriment! Yet even as I guffaw and grimace, my mind’s not here. It never arrived with me to this party. It’s stranded somewhere on the highway, trailing after your car, after you left me at the bus stop, where my friends would pick me up for the journey to the party, chirpy and carefree, ah these sweet friends of mine, they wouldn’t know.
My mind’s elsewhere, wandering, looking for my heart still. Silly thing, doesn’t it know my heart’s never left yours?
House
A house is not quite a home, no guarantee of it. Our hostess greets us from a minor mansion, it seems. Impeccable hospitality. Gregarious guests furiously snapping away at the delicious dishes, lovingly and patiently prepared for our appetites and our amusements.
This house, indeed is a home.
When it’s time to leave, we make beg for invitations to return. It’s a polite thing to say, but true. You can feel the love that built this home, from the feature walls painstakingly painted in warm mandarin and cool lavender, to the rows of rose bushes the host planted for his wife, so she may pluck a fresh bloom every morning when she wakes.
Love makes a home.
I come home, to our apartment now. You’ve woken up from your rest. We’re both tired. Tongues are tried, are tiresome. We say things we don’t mean. By bedtime, we sleep facing away from each other. There’s so much to say but we seem say too few, and all of these, too sharply.
Why do we always hurt the ones we love?, I wonder, as sleep claims me. Doesn’t anything change?
The next morning is awkward. We shower and perform our ablutions with few words. I turn the hot water tap a couple of turns too many and it scalds me, almost. A small wince, but you notice it. You touch me, caress the burn, kiss it. I smile, and you smile back.
Nothing changes, except something does. I don’t have to understand your silences, so long as I get to be with you when you lose your words. The difference, the change I now see, simply is I understand I don’t have to replace those words you lose. You don’t have to say a single thing. Nor do I.
We just have to be us, in our home. We just have to keep building it together, one brick, one day at a time.
Postscript.
The morning after the next morning. You message me, telling me your colleague, he’s asking if I can make extra lo hon kor next time, so you can pack some of my Chinese herbal tea I made for you for him too. I say sure, if it means he’ll work harder and help you finish earlier at the office, so you can come home to me. Silent or otherwise, every minute with you counts. I’ll have all of them if I could. Every single moment.
64 Comments
hmm are you okay? seems like you’re sad now
Nicely put bro…Love does make a home!
“Love makes a home”
Can’t agree more! Building the home together, hands joined together.
This is Home!
A house is definitely a home sweet home when it is filled with the wondrous colours of our loved ones, doesn’t matter what colour it is. A company of beautiful people we are truly blessed with.
I believe we hurt the ones we love,
sometimes without a realization.
We say the wrong words & act like a fool,
simply maybe because we love them too much.
Another one post beautifully said.
if there was a human emotion debate competition, i’m sure you will win hands down lar. you seem to be able to capture all these raw emotions very well, just like the collages u made. perhaps reality really bites.
is this fiction? no matter what, you definitely brought another dimension to that wonderful party we had. very interesting.
btw, i facebooked you on my flickr url. hope you got it.
Can’t decide whether to drool over the duck or uncaleong.
equilibrium2008: So sweet of you for asking, dear. I’m perfectly fine and happy. This was written some hours ago, but the events occured a couple of weekends ago. Sad? No, I’m not blue lah. Lavender’s about feeling hurt sometimes but learning that it’s okay; it’s part of building a life together. This is just one of the colours of love, I guess.
unkaleong: Thanks! And I think you’ve gotten yourself yet another admirer! *looks at paul’s comment*
moja: Ah yes, the hands joining bit is very important, you know. That’s why all the couples do it when they go out dating. That, and to prevent one’s partner from getting lost, like distracted by the latest EPL scores or a sudden Prada sale…
Eudora: “… filled with the wondrous colours of our loved ones…”
I like that. The wonderous colours of our loved ones. Cos they have many colours and many shades, and it’s when we take stock of them all and appreciate their diversity, that we really “get” each other. After all, what’s more fun than loving someone?
Oh. Yeah. Being loved in return. Hehe.
Nic (KHKL): Fiction? As I mentioned at last week’s “Readings”, I haven’t written any fiction in awhile now. Blogging seems to be a great form of creative non-fiction for me.
Also, I thought it’d be interesting for Precious Pea’s party guests (and our hostess herself) to see what else went on while everyone was busy laughing and joking and eating and generally having a great time. Don’t get me wrong, it was so much fun for me too. In fact, this post (with the photos done first) was originally supposed to be about Teckiee, wmw, Jason, Unkaleong and me — our crazy lil road trip to discover the New World of Setia Alam.
But then, when I sat down to write it… it took a life of its own. Another shade, another colour.
It’s the first photo, that match of Pea’s lovely flowers and Nigel’s solemn expression (he was actually just looking at his ingredients for the lovely Yorkshire Pudding he would go on to make for us), that created the mood for me, I guess.
(Though I couldn’t help but include that lovelorn pic of Unkaleong and Allan. Who could resist? Teckiee’s amazing at taking these candid shots!)
Reality bites, yes, but O so softly and carelessly sometimes… How can we not love Life when it’s this good?
Paul: I’d suggest Unkaleong. The duck’s too good to simply drool over… eat it! Of course, you may feel the same about your other option…
Home is where the heart is.. isn’t that the saying? =)
love both the colours btw.
daphne: Yes, that’s the saying alright. That may well be the real message behind this piece. And it’s strange how these colours come together… they began as the colours of our wonderful hostess’s feature walls and then they became the colours of this precise moment in the relationship.
Mysterious ways, they say, mysterious ways…
i also wan Lo Hon Ko with extra longan and winter melon. Thanks!
A Lil Fat Monkey: Shhh… Once you start asking for it, everyone’s gonna ask for it! Hahahaha… Btw, do ask McCutie on how the cheesecake is coming along… I’d love to have a taste of that… I’m still figuring out what to cook when you guys come over… Need more time… to think… and panic…
Oh yes, I would like to have Lo Han Guo too!
I know exactly how it feels with the camera clicking away the delicious food served by the impeccable host.
Ah… colour and smell seems to bring out the emotions thru words for you.
btw, L’occitane has very nice Lavendar home perfume!
keropokman: Oh dear, the Lo Hon Kor Brigade has begun…
As for the camera clicking away, I have to admit I was one of them. How could one bear not to? So delicious-looking… one had to grab them in digital form for prosperity before the pack of hungry
wolvesguests attacked them!L’occitane? I’ve had some gifts from them… wouldn’t mind more, haha.
An as yet incomplete piece of low high multi feelings matrix of wondering frustrations and uplifting cheers. Your vituosoic journey among many dimensional characters long short bearded botak will soon amassed in a brilliant encore maybe before the summer is done in. Who knows tomorrow was here yesterday while you were nestled in the realms of those imaging pros poetically staring down.
yeah life is a brilliant maze of whys but whynot ?
Lavender and Mandarin are so different, and yet they fuse into each other so well.
We all feel a little lavender on certain days.
team bsg: “… long short bearded botak …” — This made me laugh so hard… you just described half of the foodbloggers here!
Michelle: On certain days, yes. Just so long as it ain’t a Lavender Week…
Nice post! I didn’t know the colour of my house can be so inspirational!
Next time you come, a tub of Loh Han Guo plus sea coconut and longan pls!
i’m not sure what it is about your posts but they always ’speak’ to me. and somehow i understand, even though i’m not too sure how to express what it is that i understand.
lol!
and trying to express them would only pale in comparison to the magical wondrous and sometimes tortured way that you have captured emotions and…life.
love the colours. (incidentally lavender is one of my favourite colours!)
precious pea must have a really lovely home.
Precious Pea: Now, it’s with hoi dai yeh (sea coconut) pulak? Wah demanding-nye my readers…
lingzie: Maybe it’s not the explaining or expressing but more of the understanding. Doesn’t matter how we come about it, this connection, so long as we do.
And yes Pea has a most wonderful home. I’m very fortunate to be on her guest list. Now just for the next round… Hehehe.
If I have someone written me love letters the way you wrote yours to your chosen one in this blog, I would die a happy woman.
Bravo, my big brother!!!
Your site is so pretty now while i was away for the past 2months~
And your post is inspirational, as always.
It’s so heart warming to see so many happy faces! =)
Nice colour! precious pea has great taste
and… where’s the pics of you ah,Kenny?
gina: Leave the dying bit for later, my dear (we all have to go some time), and focus more on the happy woman bit, eh?
JOjo: So pretty now? You mean you didn’t find my blog pretty before this? Hahaha, just kiddin’… I love them happy faces too.
Christine: Pix of me? Eh, dun need lah. Better to post up pix of the good-looking people instead, haha…
Oh well, of course you’re my friend. And you also do the same way to me
Remember if you need me, I am just here okay.
equilibrium2008: I’ll remember that for a rainy day. Thanks!
Hey, why so melancholy? Hope you ok babe.
That was a fun day wasn’t it?
wonderfully captured moments with wonderfully written words
Nigel: Haha, why does everyone think I’m sad/melancholic/depressed? I’m actually in a great mood. And yes, that was a very fun day. We should have more of those!
rokh: Thanks!
dear kenny,
this entry evoked memories from time immemorial of days gone by, when life was simpler and kinder to all. carefree, fun, loving and joyous. when being happy simply meant, being happy.
i can remember it as days gone by in my ah mah’s house in bangsar with my cousins during school holidays, when the jingle of the ice cream man’s bell sent all 12 of us into a dizzying chorus of kids pestering my ah mah to buy us that single scopp of rainbow, home made ice cream on a crunchy wafer cone.
times when we would all hold hands, from youngest to the oldest crossing the road and skipping all the way up the road to the Bangsar sports complex.
now, life attempts to jade our life, my life and try as it might, i will not allow my eyes to crystallize and become jaded.
life is full of wonder and mystery, joy and love and as your entry sums up … we all need to do things slowly, building it one brick at a time.
amazing entry again.
thanks kenny.
ken: What a sweet and tender recollection — I can tell by your loving memories of yesteryear that nothing has jaded your enthusiasm for life just yet. I’m so glad that there’s people like you out there who can still see that “life is full of wonder and mystery, joy and love” — perfectly put, my friend.
u put some of us to shame when we blog abt food..suddenly i feel so shallow..like a duck wading in a pond that would not even drown a boy..
very lovely and well written..and yes..loved the lavender and orange..my brick n mortar plan though..lets say it doesnt exist just yet..just yet..
lotsofcravings: “… like a duck wading in a pond that would not even drown a boy…”
Have you any idea how beautiful, poetic and tragic this line of yours is? Never stop blogging about food, bro. Never stop what you do best, and know that your best is yet to come… and I mean not just your writing and photography but your sandwich venture too. I want me some healthy sandies!
hear no evil
speak no evil
see no evil
such a fun photo!
Lee Ping (Mrs.HBT): Ah, but we had to try a few times before we got it right… wrong order, wrong facial part covered, etc.
equilibrium2008: As Joker might say, “Why so serious?” Why the smiley turned upside down so early on a Tuesday morning, dear?
I was so sad, i think you haven’t read my blog yesterday. I was a victim of pickpocket last Sunday at National Bookstore in a mall here
They my money for my nieces and nephews shoes and school supplies 
heyy…how was the weekend? mine was spent sleeping and lazying at home. haha… got a surprise ‘visit’ yesterday..so it cured all my weekend blues.
i want lo hon kor!!!!!!!!!!
“Silent or otherwise, every minute with you counts. I’ll have all of them if I could. Every single moment.”
every now and then your writing either makes me smile or almost tear up. the above made me smile
equilibrium2008: Hey, I’m terribly sorry to hear that. Hope you find a way to get those stuff for your nephews and nieces despite the theft. *hugs*
spiffy: Hmm, I know a thing or two about surprise visits… They are such a “Cure All”, aren’t they?
carrot: I’m glad it was a smile rather than a tear.
i nvr see u with a cam, yet ur pics always turn out so well. love the nostalgic effect u give them. wat’s the secret, pray tell? :>
Your sweetie’s right — not everything has to be said or moulded into words. Some things are better felt, breathed in and dreamt.
hmm well a good samaritan got into my way.. ahihihi.. Nah I just touched around 13K of my savings for me to get all their stuff again. Anyways, I can get that easily though.
Jun: Oh trust me, I do have a cam… just that I tend to forget to bring it along most of the time, haha. And when that happens, I’ve to borrow pix from the others. This is one of the rare occasions where most of the photos (with the exception of the Unkaleong-Allan smoochie pic courtesy of Teckiee) were taken by me.
The secret is… that there’s no secret!
argussimo: Yeah. Tough for a wordsmith like me to comprehend but I’m learning. Love without words.
equilibrium2008: Ah, here’s to all the Good Samaritans around the world! Nothing like the kindness of strangers (and indeed, friends and family, as it were).
Yes he is a very dear friend of mine. My friend explained to me that I can easily earn that money that made me decide to just withdrew from my savings account.
equilibrium2008: Nothing beats good friends, true that.
Yep, they certainly are a “Cure All”.
bring your cam with you more often!
reading thru the comments, maybe people can outsource to you, their love letter writings.
hihihi… that is so true. Gosh, I don’t what to do if they are not around.
spiffy: And me, I’d like to have a “Cure All” by my side at all times… ever ready…
keropokman: Outsourcing love? That’s a new one, hehe…
equilibrium2008: Well, all the more reason for us to be grateful for them while they are still around.
Hahah… that’s cuz ur lucky enough to have one by ur side.
The “Cure All” visit i got will havta last me till next week or so….
spiffy: Eck. I guess I gotta take a dose of that “be grateful” bit too. “P
Yes, friends like them makes my life worthwhile :)… And thanks for being one.
Damn good writing, my friend.
equilibrium2008: You’re very welcome, my dear.
tunku halim: Wow, thanks. Means a lot coming from a published author like yourself, sir.
u better be!
Reminds me of Celine Dion’s song “Colour Of My Love”, one of my favourite songs. May you and your love one paint each other’s world :o)…Here are the lyrics…
I’ll paint my mood in shades of blue
Paint my soul to be with you
I’ll sketch your lips in shaded tones
Draw your mouth to my own
I’ll draw your arms around my waist
Then all doubt I shall erase
I’ll paint the rain that softly lands on your wind-blown hair
I’ll trace a hand to wipe out your tears
A look to calm your fears
A silhouette of dark and light
While we hold each other oh so tight
I’ll paint a sun to warm your heart
Swearing that we’ll never part
That’s the colour of my love
I’ll paint the truth
Show how I feel
Try to make you completely real
I’ll use a brush so light and fine
To draw you close and make you mine
I’ll paint the truth
Show how I feel
Try to make you completely real
I’ll use a brush so light and fine
To draw you close and make you mine
I’ll paint a sun to warm your heart
Swearing that we’ll never part
That’s the colour of my love
I’ll draw the years all passing by
So much to learn so much to try
And with this ring our lives will start
Swearing that we’ll never part
I offer what you cannot buy
Devoted love until we die
spiffy: I will, esp. with you watching over me to make sure I do. You are, after all, one-third of my fabulous fairy godsisters…
wmw: I love this song too… it’s beautiful. Thanks for reminding me of the power of its lyrics again, dear. *hugs*
I’ve not come in for a while and as always, you have great posts that keeps me “entertained”. A fun bunch indeed!
Hahah…. this fairy godsister of urs haven’t been seeing u for ages! Let’s make time one of these days….
tigerfish: Welcome back, dear! It’s always more fun with you around.
spiffy: One of these days, most definitely!
You sound sad, bro… hope everything was fine over there.
Say, any chance I can get the pictures with me inside? *wink wink*
jason: Not sad at all, bro… Pretty darn happy actually. But one has to capture every moment, even the sad ones before they pass for good.
As for the pics, hope to upload them on Facebook soon, then you can just grab them easily.
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