I have to find you.
The morning has turned cold on us. Dark clouds, a shade of sorrow splashed across the heavens. Grey is a feeling, no? It will rain soon enough. Just enough time to drive out and buy breakfast. The warm slabs of chee cheong fun and a big bowl of tau foo far, slathered with dark ginger-laced caramel syrup and hot, fresh soymilk. Just the way you used to like it. Where are you?
Coffee tastes bitter; I would have thrown the whole pot away normally but I must enjoy this: punishing myself. You used to take it black all the time, now you aren’t here, I don’t know if you still take coffee. Does green tea suit you better now? Or is it much warmer where you are now? Perhaps it’s a glass of iced lemon tea or barley lime that cools your palate now. I hope you are warm.
I have to find you.
There used to be so many people here. Friends, strangers, musicians and writers, artists who left their paintings and sculptures lying around. This was no Bohemia, but it felt that way. Madmen and children can become family too. We watched each other with careless eyes; we listened with our hopes and our fears guarding our hearts. How many dreams died along the way?
There are treasures to be unearthed amongst the dried leaves, amongst the fallen. There used to be chatter and conversations here, sad wine and potato chips; we were poor but we broke bread with one another like emperors, like saints; there used to be songs that were sung, music that was played, lives that were performed. I used to hear your voice like the breaking of dawn, calling out that morning has come.
This used to be happiness.
Morning has come. Rain pelts down. I have to find you. I have no idea where to start. Doesn’t matter. I used to be a young man. Didn’t have an idea then either. Except this one. That I would always love you.
No, that’s not true. It wasn’t I would always love you, no matter what we promised each other, no matter how earnest our vows. Truth is, I had believed that I would always have you. You’d always be here; we’d always be together, the days running into forever. Bohemia never disappears and a hundred melancholic poets will ever lament their losses in manic verse.
I won’t ever get this back, I know. There’s no returning sometimes. But I have to do this. I have to find you.
.
Collage by Kenny Mah. Photographs by Nigel Skelchy, Lyrical Lemongrass & Nic (KHKL).
66 Comments
dear kenny -
such a dramatic entry. such an enticing read. such provocation and such a wonderful attempt to elicit such wonderful, desperate, happy, troubling memories all at one go.
it was a great read in the morning …
a little melancholy perhaps, but a great read nonetheless. 
cheers,
ken.
There’s a little sadness in this post, a little heartache as well…at least for me…
kenneth: Mostly it’s just a stream-of-consciousness piece written during a cold, dark morning last weekend… one that led to a fantastic day of mahjong (naturally, I didn’t play) and karaoke (unfortunately, I couldn’t avoid this but hey, I survived). And the it was good… that cold morning… But I just wanted to see how that morning might be different, ten, fifteen years from now, seen with older eyes.
That and I didn’t want to rehash another “this was what happened at Readings — I read, then Pey read” that other bloggers have covered and probably written better, with more detail.
I just wanted to capture the moments there… and the regret if one day this wonderful gathering and community should ever fade…
spiffy: *hugs*
It’s interesting how Seksan’s evokes so many different feelings. I’ve been to Readings many times, but seeing two of my good friends read out their works made it so much more meaningful. You’ve certainly done those photographs justice. Time for me to learn how to use Photoshop.
Lyrical Lemongrass: Well, one needs good photographs to begin with, before embarking on any sort of collage work, and the three of you are amazing photographers. My job becomes easier, simply selecting what would meld well with what, and making the sum more meaningful than its parts.
Which collage do you like best? Mine has to be the last one of Pey staring away into the distance. (I did all the collages in reverse order, so I made the last one first and so forth. It’s the simplest and least burdened by my insane love of layering…)
Such a nice entry! The words are so poetic and articulate. Just admire them! Cheers!
Nice entry, nice pictures. Enjoy it. Thanks ^_~
i am starting to believe that you are happy. that all these previous posts are expressions of happiness. of optimism and not melancholy. i finally see the light, kenny! i hope i’m right!
aside, bestest collages that made my ISO1600 pics look good!
kak teh-mamimia and imeau: Glad you ladies enjoyed it.
Nic (KHKL): Hahaha, yeah I’m happy. But didn’t want nobody thinking I’ve given up writing the melancholic stuff, no?
And your photographs are great, even without my collaging. Trust me on that!
If there ever is a day I come anywhere near writing like this, I’d come back and thank you.
The photos are absolutely fabulous. A lot of soul, if you know what I mean.
eh so wistful and melancholic. come, let’s go get u some booze ;>
Michelle: They do say pictures are windows to the soul. Or was that eyes?
Jun: Booze? On a Monday evening? Surely you kid, my dear… Ah, anyway I’m far too boring and almost a teetotaler if it weren’t for the wine jelly courtesy of them Just Heavenly Boys.
My, you keep outdoing yourself! Mesmerising photo collages evoking the sweet sorrow of reminiscence.
It’s like a flash forward…missing the present moments, even as you are enjoying them right now. The happiness so precious right now, which you would never want taken for granted.
Camemberu: I think that’s the best description of it yet… “flash forward”… You really got it in a nutshell… It’s about treasuring the present before it’s all gone. A “What if..?” scenario no one would ever want see materialised.
this was inspired by the readings? I certainly enjoyed the quiet expression of words.
Madman, you Are family. Maestro Photoshop - I agree with you they were beautiful pictures by some very talented people and you’ve done some beautiful collaging - thank you for making such lovely ones with me in it! Pensive but Rumpled. Accompanied of course by your delicious and layered text. “wink”. yeah anonymous HA, I laughed my ass off.
daphne: This was inspired in part by the sense of community we have at “Readings” and in part by a perfectly cold and dark Saturday morning, the good kind on which you just want snuggle up in bed with a dozen or more impossibly comfortable pillows…
Msiagirl: Pensive but rumpled? It sounds as if I’ve made you into a bed, the morning after!
Aww, now you almost made me cry.
*sniff* sniff*
You really write well la.
Hey bro, I think you got the talent with Photoshop
“Grey is a feeling, no?”
Just as bitter is a sound, Kenny
Wonderful writing and beautiful pics. Where were you reading?
equilibrium2008: Eh, don’t cry lah… It’s only words… though words can heal and words can wound…
jason: I think I’m only using 0.001% of Photoshop’s amazing potential since I’m self-taught and don’t use 99.999% of its functions and tools. But will keep working at it…
yuri: Yeah, bitter is most definitely a sound, bro. (One of my fav songs is called “Bitter” too. Bonus points to anyone who guesses the artiste correctly.)
I read at Seksan’s, in Bangsar. On the last Saturday of May.
Hmm you only used Photoshop in those photos? Gosh, you’re damn good. I never learned to use one.
Now, happiness will come find you…:D
equilibrium2008: Well, I want to return to illustrations next and see what I can come up with. Man cannot design on Photoshop alone, you know.
tigerfish: Thanks, dear. That’s sweet of you.
Lovely collection of collage
So gam sing.
Big Boys Oven: Thanks! Looking forward to your report on Cavalini’s, by the way. Mine is coming up soon as soon as I get around sifting through the nearly 200 photos I took!
Simon Seow: Eh… what exactly does “gam sing” mean leh? Anyone?
Love the pictures — were they all taken in that one location? They each look like a painting or collage fit to be put up big on a wall. Such talent. Bodes well for the future M’sia.
Is this a fictional piece, Kenny? A lot of love-lorn pathos. You create a mood very well indeed.
argussimo: The source photographs were all taken at Seksan’s, an architect’s office cum art gallery. And indeed, there was much art up on the walls and installed all over the place. My intention for these collages was to evoke the atmosphere there, both the artists and the arts, the writers & poets and their words hanging in the air, electric.
This piece is fictional, a nice change from all the creative non-fiction I’ve been posting up of late. In fact, one of the points I made at “Readings” was that this year I’d read non-fiction as opposed to fiction last year. And now it has come full-circle… with the fact inspiring the fiction.
Fucking beautiful images. Wow.
I almost didn’t read the words — the eyes were so satisfied.
first of all, i LOVE the collage-ish pics in this entry!
your entry struck a chord in me. i got teary at the end of it.
i thought it was a romantic love at first, but towards the end it feels more like a different kind of love, or envelopping love in a broader sense, rather.
good job, kenny. =)
Sharanya: That must be the first time I ever satisfied anybody’s eyes…
Zaty: Yeah, it did change its feel towards the end somewhat, no? I dunno, my writing tends to get away from me sometimes… I have little control over it, you see. But I was surprised myself, that by the finish line, the “you” I was looking for seem more the lost community and environment and circle of arts than anyone in particular.
Let’s hope we never lose this.
Those collages are fantastic. The last one is the best. I reckon you should hold an exhibition.
wow…
I’m blown away…
Its like walking down an art gallery, with a narrator beside you…..explaining the meaning of life?
well, a very nice entry that I can relate to…
Very well done….very lovely….i think i need to read one more time….maybe during coffee break later! Lunch time is up…
i cant help but feel that food now plays a bigger part in your entries, doesnt? looks like the foodies are rubbing of some of the charm on your pieces.
life is so contradicting isnt? bitter coffee that would put a frown to children but total bliss to coffee lovers..
yeah, let’s me see it okay?
tunku halim: An exhibition? Ah, no one would even walk in lah…
MH: Hope your second reading “tastes” even better!
lotsofcravings: Food is but a part of Life, no? Food is also becoming a bigger part of my physique if you know what I mean.
*stares at love handles*
Sighs…
equilibrium2008: If I get around to my illustrations again, will definitely post it up here!
kenny -
i’ve read this entry SO many times and i’ve looked at the picture collage so MANY times. and every time i discover something new. something fluid, something in constant flux. it’s like watching the ebb and flow of the ocean at sunrise though sunset.
magic.
time to cheer up after letting it all in the entry eh?
kenneth: *speechless*
zewt: I’m as cheery as they come, bro. Hahaha…
Very nice pictorial. Lyrical.
oh.. i was away in KL and came back to this is a lovely melancholic entry….i love the ending… ‘i have to find you’
it evokes emotions of despair and hope all in that one moment.
your photoshop skills are amazing! i just use it to resize my photos! lol
Chin: Lyrical? I think that is already taken by another blogger.
lingzie: Hey, don’t knock resizing photos — I do that all the time too!
dude. who’s to say u can’t drink on a weekday? suuuurely u kid me not.
Jun: I’ve changed my mind. Let’s go and grab us some cold beer… like a nice Paulaner!
well done!
well done again.
have just been looking at the majestic gorges of katherine in outback australia. oh man, if you were here, i wonder how you will describe them.
U ni macam banyak masa saja. Gua sangat jeles lah. I ni nak buat komik pun takde masa. Camner lah ni? Tapi I tenggok you ni, macam selalu banyak masa. Pergi melancong, berkaraoke, berdating, bertulis, ber-reading, berfotoshop, berpesta…saya pun nak hidup macam abang Kenny lah. Macam mana gua dapat achieve life awak itu?
Jeles sungguh!
oh not to mentioned…anda pasti banyak masa extra untuk bergym dan buat orang gemuk macam saya jeles lagi sama lu punya orang kurus!
keropokman: I wonder too, hehe. But at least one of us got a vacation, eh?
One day, the Outback beckons me…
A Lil Fat Monkey: Mana de banyak masa? Dah le berhari-hari tak update blog pun. Kerja amat bangat, dong. Ape lagi gym… langsung tak pegi… karang body macam Babe. Bukan babe sexy… babe babi kecik yang cute-cute itu. Cute tapi maseh gemuk.
What to do, kan? Cinta nama-nya. Explains the love handles, no? Mari kami gemuk-gemuk sama-sama…
Gua sudah gemuk lah. You nie kena kejar I. I pun dah lama tak update blog….kesian blog I tu….lain hari lah kot. Hari nie I malas…nak tidor dah….dan bertambah gemuks I ni.
A Lil Fat Monkey: Mana boleh kejar u? Kan dah kata I gemuks jugak?
P.S. Cepat le update blog u… Boring lah tak de cerita monyet gedempul kecik yang baru buat gua baca…
Hey ho!
nice collage laa.. teach me how sifu!
A very good entry as well..
Isk… bila laa nak go to the readings.. It looks like a very cool event..
geez.
Hhmph.. this calls for a big bear hug. *BIG BEAR HUG*
hi kenny! how ve u been!? is been a while since i dropped by here, good job on the new layout!
Dude, these are awesome! And I’m so glad to actually be in one of them!
moja: Who knows where I’ll turn up next to read? We will see…
gina: *BIG BABY BEAR HUG BACK*
sulee: Thanks, dear. Missed you around here too! *hugs*
madcap machinist: I love that collage with you in it… I call it “Community”… cos that certainly is what all you guys coming together to share your ideas and stories are.
I was certainly communing
I love the images. And the romantic yet dramatic entry.
madcap machinist: That’d be a nice title for a story, no? “Communing.”
lyana: Thanks!
Hey…I see Sharon in the pic. Melancholic evocations of happy times long gone. I love how you can set your words free, Kenny. Am envious, too, in fact.
Oh, hope to make it to a Seksan’s affair, soon.
Eliza D: Oh I have to set them words free, else constipation sets in.
Hope to see you soon at Seksan’s!
Oh! Wow. Just found the URL via facebook- forgot about it after Readings.
I never really thought much of collages as an artform- you’ve changed my mind about that.
And apart from missing out on the sultry, oppressive heat that day at Seksans, it does really capture the ambiance.
Am bookmarking you. See you round!
sneexe: Hehe, given that this was written on a cold, cloud-cast morning, you’d forgive me for leaving out the sultry, oppressive heat.
See ya around too!
i’m praying that we don’t (lose ‘that’ love)
zaty: Never!
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