This used to be easier, I thought.
Dinner with friends, a night out in town. Life doesn’t revolve around your apartment, they tell me. And indeed it doesn’t. Not when it was simply mine. Things change, though. It’s our apartment now, and our life is built on its firmaments, this little place we call home. Our feasts and our fights, our thunder and lightning, the sum of our storms begins here. Home isn’t merely the hearth, it’s where the heart is. So they say. But you’re not here and this evening, neither am I.
I work out at the gym, I muster some strength to shape myself into the man I want you to desire. The instructor smiles at me, a casual friend by now, he’s happy to see me in his class again after missing for a couple of months. I’m out of practice, I tell him, go easy on me. He grins, and I know he will not. We pump iron without any breaks between the tracks. It’ll be worth it, he growls to his students, a swarm of us suffocating in the studio. Will it? It’s a distraction, at any rate.
Before I even get to the showers, I get calls from my ex’s, one after the other. How are you coping, they ask, who are you having dinner with? That’s what they say. I hear this but I hear also: Are you lonely? I must be doing okay, must I not, if former lovers care enough to be friends and confidantes? They always know when I’m flying solo — suddenly, I have all the time in the world.
Doesn’t being in love automatically grant you forgiveness for neglecting your friends?
Fortunately, my friends don’t forget me. They humour me, occupy my empty hours with their randy banter and lewd conversations. (Loud, I meant loud conversations.) They ask me out to dinner. It’s better than dining in our apartment, alone. It’s better than drinking wine alone. I accept, gratefully.
This used to be easier, I thought.
Waiting for other people. It must be a skill, some art I used to possess. I have finished at the gym too early. There’s a full hour yet. What do I do till other people lend me a clue? We slip into old habits, half-remembered and how easily they fit, greeting us like minor treasures re-discovered: I walk into a bookstore.
Minutes upon minutes that can be wasted upon these endless rows. Paperbacks and hardcovers. Bestsellers and unknown authors. Bibles and mysteries. Where do I head first? Too many choices, none I truly care for. Isn’t that always the case, the inevitable scenario? Water up to your knees and not a drop to drink. Yes, metaphors abound here too, ceaseless in their mocking. How alone you are, how lonely.
A flash of bright vermilion, the mad flutter of her skirt, and I have Miss Jun in my arms. A perky piece of sunshine all the way from Adelaide. It’s impossible not to smile as well. Cheerfulness is infectious, no way to avoid it. And I am smitten.
Shades of my formerly romantic (accused-of, and never proven) self returned and I led her to the florist. We discussed wedding cakes and retail therapy till we came upon the House of Flowers. Smothered with blooms, we were. Miss Jun helped me choose some gerberas for our apartment, pairing white with fucshia, enveloped carefully with some rather large green leaves. They didn’t have the orange ones you like. We’ll search for this sun some other time, my dear. (Simply forgive me for shopping with such a pretty girl in your absence.)
There. Bouquet in hand, it’s time for dinner.
Miss Jun and I enter The Apartment, a good half hour early. A cruel joke, perhaps. There’s no escaping an apartment, be it ours or a restaurant in the guise of one. Here, I stay away from die Betten. Last thing I need is you finding out I was in bed with a strange woman.
Soon the rest arrive. Chatter and gossip flow like the tides, brushing against my thoughts without pause. The tapas arrive, then the mains; dinner gets devoured only after the ladies and gentlemen have had their go at it, with their new cameras and fancy lenses. We want to remember what we ate and what emotion our tastebuds must have captured.
I can only taste the desire to have you home again.
My friends, I don’t tell them this. I am perfectly capable of not ruining a nice evening for other people, I keep my soft sorrows to myself. After all, what use is of telling them? They won’t understand. They’d wonder what’s the big deal about you being away for three short days. It’s only Singapore, they’ll say. It’s only work. You’ll be back in no time. (In fact, you’ll be back in less than a day now, but I don’t tell them that either.)
How could I explain? That there is a brief lifetime in each sunrise and sunset. That the first night you were away, I watched ‘Lust, Caution’ deep into the morning just so that fatigue would take me if sleep wouldn’t. That watching Mr. Yee and Mrs. Mak frenzied love-making brought no relief other than the ardour of an interrupted fire. I am not used to playing voyeur; man must act and not watch alone.
How could I explain? That waking up to the sound of my alarm clock (a digitized chirrup from my mobile phone) instead of your warm hand caressing my face feels like I’ve woken up to a different morning. That I eat out every day because there’s no point really in cooking for one. That I forget to water your plants because I’m so busy staring at them with your favourite music playing in the background.
I can’t explain, and I don’t. Instead, I put on my best smile when they aim their cameras at me. The flash goes off and I never blink.
This used to be easier, I thought.
Coming home to an empty apartment. Back when I was staying alone, a swingin’ bachelor in his bachelor pad. (And what does a bachelor swings, he wonders?) No dishes to wash, no beds to make. No plants to water, no underwear to separate. A stream of visitors that need never repeat, small dinner parties quiet and discreet. Now all I hear is the silence of an apartment that used to hold two, not one.
It’s just three days.
I’ll be at the airport when you come back, baby, you can be sure of that.
53 Comments
And before anyone asks, getting all worried about me, these events took place last Thursday, so my baby’s back home already!
As for the absence of posts last week, well… I just sorta decided to take a week off from blogging to refresh myself and actually live a little… ya know, so I’ll have something to blog about later? LOL
Now, hit me with them comments, folks! You know you want to…
aha.. i see the rest did some good. suddenly the post is so long!
the apartment is some new makan place right?
Feels like falling in love with the same person over and over again..
Not worried about u Kenny
I understand how you feel 
lol… very nice of you to put that lil ‘disclaimer’ comment there.
glad that you’re back to the blogging world…i have sort of disappeared for a bit… busy living life.
it is so easy how our lives become revolved around someone we love isn’t it? some ppl say its not good…that we shouldn’t ‘forget’ who we are…but to me it isnt forgetting who we are…merely enriching our lives to become someone better.
aiyoh..u mean u were all moody n upset with that fake smile?? hmpph..
To be honest, when I was reading towards the end and you mentioned that she was coming back in a day, I was thinking “What lah…” but after awhile, all I could think off was, “Aww, that lovesick dude.” Hahaha!
Can’t wait to read “Apartment, For Two.”
» keropokman
Whaddyua mean the post is so long? Isn’t it always long? LOL. Kiddin’, dude… I know what you mean. It felt like I hadn’t written a word in ages. Time to catch up.
The Apartment isn’t a new makan place though. Been around for a couple of years at least, if I’m not mistaken. This outlet is situated at The Curve, Mutiara Damansara, PJ.
» Michelle
“Feels like falling in love with the same person over and over again..”
I couldn’t have said it better myself. It’s exactly that. I think what I’m discovering is that when you are in love with someone, it’s not so much the romantic illusion you may have of your partner, but something more that keeps you coming back for more (sounds like a commercial advertisement for potato chips, I know, but true, still).
You don’t change all that much, nor does your partner, but you keep finding new things to love. Does that make any sense?
» seowyin
I’m glad you do, dear. And one day, I promise, we’ll meet up again. With our significant others, even.
» lingzie
I wouldn’t completely disagree with what they say — it can get dangerous to lose ourselves completely in another person. Yet when I see my parents, married for over 40 years now, and my other blissfully wedded friends, I know there is a difference between what people are worried of and what is true partnership.
When you don’t so much lose yourself in another person, as you gain something new, something better — a life together. You got that in a nutshell!
» lotsofcravings
Don’t worry lah, brudder… I was genuinely happy and having fun that evening; just that every moment that I got distracted I got back to thinking about heading back to an empty apartment.
As for the smile, eh harlo… where can fake a Brilliant Smile liddat one? Not easy you know, had to hold till my jaws ached! LOL
wah, 3 days already liddat…i cant imagine what 30 days will do to you..hehehe…
with FB, i can get pictures, words, metaphors all on the same day…wow!
too bad i missed the gathering with that hot chick.
Well, at least I don’t have to say that I missed seeing the sadness. Funny thing about love, two become one….even breathe as one, which is why it’s hard when the other half isn’t around :o)
» Kookymonsta
“Apartment, For Two”? That’s already off and running.. We just call it the “A Day in Our Lives” series. So far, we have:
1. Waking & Washing
2. Breakfast in Bed
3. Beauty and the Beast
Don’t ask me what Part Four is, cos I’ve no idea myself, not having written it yet!
» Nic (KHKL)
Wah, if 30 days die lah habis! LOL
Yeah, Facebook is great for getting stuff from everyone involved. I promise I’ll post the normal, non-collaged pics up soon. There’ll even be FOOD! Hahahaha…
That “hot chick”, as you put it, is currently in China doing volunteer work. Good one, that.
» wmw
It is amazing how hard it can get sometimes when your better half is missing in action, but hey, we’re tough, aren’t we? *hugs*
wa.. smoothy pants… took u less than 3 days to meet ms. vermilion…following nic’s trend of thought.. what if it was day 30 … and ms vermilion showed up… got will power or not… common don’t lie:P teehee (ok la… i know u r a one woman man… but answer the question anyway … *grin*)
» cumi&ciki
Wahh… how to answer a question liddat. Let’s just say Ms. Vermilion is simply irresistible… but I’m famed for my Power of Resistance!
I think distance does this to people, doesn’t it? Distance makes us yearn more, want more, miss more.
» Michelle
If distance does this, what would its reverse — proximity — do?
i so understand how you feel. a few days/weeks/months apart can feel like a lifetime.
if i have my own apartment… i think i dont mind staying there and cooking all by myself :P…
hey… how come joe and jun didnt call me out?? i wanna go out too…
» carrot
And a lifetime is contained in a single perfect moment with the one you love.
» zewt
Well, we should go out anyway, with or without Nipple Joe or The Vermilion Girl! Hehe.
Ahahaha! Whatever it is, I’m sure looking forward to that. Hopefully it’s not “Nagging and Grunting.” LOL!
Well… I don’t know about YOU, but proximity sometimes drives me NUTS! Up the walls!
And then it makes me not want to let go.
» Kookymonsta
You know what? It might well be — love’s not all romance and roses, there’s plenty of nagging involved. As for grunting, uhm, well, there’s plenty of that too if you know what I mean…
» Michelle
Sometimes. More like little things we do that drive each other crazy. But try not having them around and then they seem so endearing. The rest of it, you can’t live without… and don’t want to. Not a chance.
You know what, Kenny? I was feeling so much alone that night at our own apartment when my other half was having company dinner at The Apartment…the same one. What’s the odd? Haha! Anyway, he said the food at The Apartment is excellent and promise me to bring me there one day. Hehe!
ahah zewt..realise i didnt have ur FB before that mah! sorry, it was abit of a rush and its hard to multi-task work and FB..but yes, kenny; definitely an outing with Zewt..
so kenny; then why did u go home so early la! esp to an empty apartment?
» Jennifer
Wow! What are the odds? I’m glad your better half will be bringing you there soon. I think they improved quite a bit since the last time I was there. Still, I’ll avoid most of the chicken dishes, rather bland. Hope you guys enjoy yourselves!
» lotsofcravings
Heh, an outing with Zewt + Nipples + Kenny = 3 very different blog posts the day after!
And it wasn’t that early lah… Had to go back and do laundry on my own ma. Some more next morning no one to make sure I don’t hit the snooze button and oversleep! LOL
Friend, when your baby is away, you have us. Call us anytime, we will come trash your apartment
next…all of us now deserve a dynamic poetry in rustic romance, as in “kenny moves…”
coming soon to a screen near you
» Precious Pea
Har? Liddat har? How dare to invite you to my home then? You trash our apartment, wait my baby comes back trash me pulak how?
Seriously though, I can’t wait till we get our own place next year. Living together now means sudden change of plans so we’re living in a one-bedroom apartment for now in the heart of the Golden Triangle, KL. Mucho expensive rental!
With a place of our own, it also means we’ll get to decorate it properly, invest a little in Home Sweet Home. Now all we have is the clutter of two adults crammed into a single’s pad. Not pretty.
» backStreetGluttons
“Kenny moves?” Moves where? Hahaha…
absence makes the heart goes fonder huh?? BUT establishing a home together is exciting. Very exciting. Difficult but exciting! ha.
Lust, Caution was more explicit than I expected. Shy to watch with other people…
I’m quite sure if my half is not around, I will just laze around at home doing nothing, even if it means being a couch potato round the clock! Hahahahah! You have a much better life!
» daphne
Absence does make the heart grow fonder, more than one could imagine is already possible.
But yeah, nothing beats building a home together, the mix and match of different tastes and temperaments. It’s like a fine dance…
» Neil
Well, I’ve heard about ‘Lust, Caution’ even before it was filmed, being always interested in the work of Ang Lee and Tony Leung Chiu-Wai, so I was well-prepared for the sexually explicit scenes. I would argue they were very necessary and help to tell the story as well.
Imagine two people making love like a pair of fighting cocks in battle… Passionate and dangerous all rolled up in one.
» tigerfish
Oh what I’d give to be a couch potato!
Hi, Kenny. Thanks for checking on me to see if I’m OK. I am. Just came back from a two-week hol in Croatia, one of which was spent on a sailing boat. An interesting experience which I might blog about later. The world still seems to rock back and forth. Right now, my laptop has divorced the Internet and my Other Half is trying to get them back together but still with no avail. So I’m having to use his PC which has switcheroo Zs and Ys (it messes with my head). Not sure when I can update my blog consequently.
“But try not having them around..”
Kenny dear, “try” is not even a word for me anymore. Am living it out. And believe me you, I know exactly how it feels. When your 3 days feel like 3 years, my 3 years feel like a lifetime.
Reading and re-reading your posts feel like me talking to myself sometimes. Espeically posts like this one.
» Argus With Brown Arms and Feet
Oooh, a two week holiday! And one week on a sailing boat! You must blog about it, you must!
I know what it feels like with the ZY switcheroos (or is that a YZ switcheroo?); they’re that way in continental Europe, at least for German keyboards. Took me awhile to adjust I can tell you that!
» Michelle
Firstly, HUGS. I don’t know what I’d do with three YEARS. Everything I do right now seems to be towards making sure we stay together and creating backup plans in case either of us get posted elsewhere. Doesn’t help hearing how everyone is migrating.
“Reading and re-reading your posts feel like me talking to myself sometimes.”
Well, that’s why the Comments Section was invented. So we don’t feel like we are talking to ourselves. Not all the time, anyway. Heh.
While I appreciated how you expressed being alone and still feeling the solo-ness while in the company of chatty and cheerful friends, I have to confess I do revel in being by myself. It’s a nice break from pleasing the man and responding appropriately to his random expressed thoughts. Ha ha. That sounds terrible, ja?
» Argus With Unevenly Tanned Face
Revelling in being alone? Yes, I love that too, believe or not… But sometimes you just can’t get enough of your better half, and that’s a good place to be in. I figure we’d be bored of each other soon enough with all the years ahead of us, so enjoy this while it lasts! LOL
Back up plans are good. Sometimes they work, sometimes they don’t. But hey, they are time-consuming activities, this coming up with backup plans. Even more time consuming and meaningful if discussed with the significant other. No?
P.S: Talking to myself can get a little obsessive at times. So it’s good that you reply my comments. Otherwise…….
» Michelle
Well, don’t get too worried about backup plans. The biggest plan of all — spending your life with someone else — that’s enough to keep us occupied for a long, long time.
(And that’s the premise of this blog, isn’t it? Life, life with another soul, that’s surely life for beginner.)
» Msiagirl
Hey… haven’t heard from you in a bit. Glad you dropped by. I was using your ‘Walk in the Forest’ this morning and thought of you. It smells fantastic!
Nah I don’t worry about you anymore. I know it is just stories though ;)… I have been missing ideas what to write in my blog now. so far, everything is fine with me. Hmmm I don’t think i would want to write another embarrassing stories about myself again. haha
» equilibrium2008
Awww… you don’t worry about me anymore? Why not? Hahaha… I sound like a petulant child. But there you go, all stories are lies and all stories are true.
Even the embarrassing ones.
Especially the embarrassing ones.
It’s great to see u having a backup plan dear… it’s really hard to come up with one. as for me..it’s a day by day thing.. God only knows if we can last till like years ahead. haha…
i do agree with Argus, tht i need my own personal time and space sometimes.. but not too long tho. i can still survive a few days without seeing or talking to him ler. guess it’s the same with him. dunno.. probly our initial sparks is not there anymore.
» spiffy
On Backup Plans — I meant this in the sense that we may not continue living in Malaysia or we might. It really depends on the economy and job opportunity. It doesn’t hurt me to find some freelance work and develop marketable skills that may find me employable outside this country. Just in case. Best scenario is being able to continue living here cos Malaysia is my home.
On Personal Space — We all revert to this eventually, once the honeymoon period is over. It’s near impossible to maintain that level of passion and excitement for a long duration, and we would’t want to, anyway. It’s exhausting. Time alone just helps us recharge our batteries to appreciate our time together even more. So don’t worry too much about them sparks…
since jules is not around… come… let’s head for lunch!! hah!
» zewt
Haha, the mouse comes out to play when the cat is away? Lunch sounds good though. Whereabouts?
Oh my, I just hate it that whenever I am into a special event I always run into something embarrassing specially seeing those kutings (kitten)..
» equilibrium2008
Kittens? What kittens? You kinda lost me there…
looking at the available time on hand, reading your blog is as close as I can get to my doses of dramas (read : Grey’s Anatomy, Ugly Betty, Pushing Daisies, CHuck, Dr. House, Bones…..). It’ll prolly take 10 seconds to load, depending on the pictures that you’re posting, and viola, i can read….and work my imagination a bit…..
Reading Joe’s review is like having main course, and sometimes, he’ll throw in a dessert or two….and your’s ? It’ll be a follow-up grappa to end the night with a contented heart……
: ) . Keep it coming….is been a long wait.
» MH
Thanks… it really means a lot for a reader to tell me this. Will definitely keep it coming…
tsk tsk tsk… kenny kenny kenny… before the others arrived, u were talking to a person who had to endure being away from her baby for 6 blardy years (and counting), so OF COURSE she’d understand how agonising it is to be even separated for THREE days.
at least u din ruin the evening by not showing up. i wud be so disappointed. XD
» Jun
Hehe. Sarcasm becomes you, my dear.
But yeah, this is the part where one of us says, “You get me” and the other says, “Yes, I so do”, right?
And showing up’s half the battle won, no? Ahem.
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