You are Venus and I am Mars. Is it true, then, those who love must be at war? These aren’t tantrums, this isn’t combat — we have no battle wounds but I fear it all scars just the same. We’re only human, after all.
Some joke delivered poorly, some shift in the wind, and it blows us the wrong way, we are thrown back in the fray. The silence is like a dull knife, deafening in its steady slice. Why do we always hurt the ones we love? I have had some practice, I have learned my lessons, except the most important one, the simplest wisdom: We can’t avoid this. We will always hurt the ones we love. We will always hurt.
These things we say, they are only words and words are meaningless. They are nothing. These things we say, they are all words and words are meaning. They are everything.
These rare (but rapidly regular) incidents of minor disagreements, of misunderstood disappointments, they creep up on us like misled malice, like thieves hitting the wrong jobs; we are always taken unawares. My fear is that one day it will be too much for one of us or both, and all this magic will end. We will cease and separate and return to dust. We don’t want to be alone again, not after having been together, not after having being One, but can we help this?
We will always hurt the ones we love. These things we say, they are everything.
How do you banish heartache from your heart? (The same way, one would assume, one hopes to forgo breathing from one’s life.)
I am Venus and you are Mars. We can choose to see our mistakes and our mis-steps. We’ve both scars enough, time to let go and let heal. We’re human, after all, and we can learn.
We’d be fools to not see what we have: a pretty near perfect thing going here. Let us be grateful for what we have: good fortune to wake up each morning in each other’s arms, to wash and break fast together, to come home to dinner we make together, to watch good films and read good stories (your Chinese fantasy novels and my damn American comics), to wash again and close the day, slipping under the covers, sealing the night with a tender kiss, ready to dream of the morning when we will do this all over again.
We can’t avoid this. We will always hurt the ones we love. We will always hurt. That’s okay. What matters is that we love each other, that we continue to do so, that we show it in every moment, from us exchanging quiet tasks like me cooking for you when you come back late or you surprising me by making the bed when I’m not looking. We never forget to be kind to each other. Love is a verb, they say, not just a feeling. Feelings come and feelings go. If we love each other, that goes on forever.
These things we say, they are nothing. Even when we are mad at each other for the smallest stupid stupid thing, we love in the silences. Let these little spats be our love as Fury, let them never be cold, never harsh. We shan’t be afraid, or be afraid but have this fear be good, for we want what we are together enough not to take it for granted. We shall cease and return to dust, but we won’t separate, not us. We won’t banish heartache from our hearts; we’ll bear it not as a burden but as proof that we are alive still and always, always in love.
So. Let’s fight. Let’s be childish and not talk to each other. Let’s take turns at crumbling first and then succumbing to a smirk, then a giggle, tickling the other in a silly concession of defeat, let us kiss and make up and fuck! let’s make love, let’s remind ourselves we are alive and in love and what a blessed thing this is. The stars are us and damn if we don’t shine till them heavens burst!
.
This is Part Four in the “A Day in Our Life…” series. Read Part One, Part Two and Part Three.
Credits: “Graveyard Statue Series 1″ by Stephan Szpak-Fleet. “Seaweed” by Björgvin Guðmundsson.
Design by Kenny Mah.
64 Comments
Ah, nice. Very true. The very same words that come from your sweetheart’s lips would hurt you, but not if they come from a stranger’s lips.
hey darlin, haven’t been on here or anywhere for a bit. august is coming: time of no time, time of family time, picnics, kids, house house house.
Sounds like the pendulum, yin-yang swings its slow circle round you. relationship shifting like a wave, the hypnotic curl and lift of the day to day.
Sometimes a good fight and make-up clears the air, try not to let the sun go down on it, esp if in it for the long haul! sending lots of love to you&yrs. xx
» argussimo
…which made me wonder, are we sometimes kinder to strangers than the ones we love? It’s a comforting thought, oddly enough, for it’s one of the things that strike me about our relationship that we are constantly kind to each other, which makes any instances of mild conflict more enormous than they really are.
It’s a good place to be in. We’re not complaining.
» Msiagirl
Hehe, house house house is a problem I’d love to be saddled with. I swear, once I get my own place, I’ll be the home improvement king. Tim Taylor, anyone? Tool Time?
And oh, the pendulum definitely swings! My better half has been telling me I may be painting too rosy a picture of us, so this is a lil peek to the whiny, bratty side we have. I, apparently (according to not-to-be-named sources), put on a pout whenever things aren’t going my way. Hmmph!
(I have to admit though, the Pout only works 50% of the time. Maybe I need to work on it. Heh.)
Lots of hugs and love to you both!
isn’t friction one of the best sensations?
ohhh, you didnt hear that from me…hahaha!
» Nic (KHKL)
*blink blink*
“These things we say, they are only words and words are meaningless. They are nothing. These things we say, they are all words and words are meaning. They are everything.”
pening kepala lah! ( i nearly said pening kelapa.. LOL)
» keropokman
Yes, well. I have been known to have the effect on folks.
But you do get what I mean, right?
One fine day we wanna hear you say you r laughing non stop and having a great time
and yes,
u r only sad becoz you miss those happy times
» backStreetGluttons
Oh dear. You might have misunderstood me — I spent most of my days happy and it’s these small moments of poutiness that make those days shine all the brighter. There are no happier times than right here, right now. Always.
often, u speak (or write) what my heart is thinking… i’m the one who’s always making a fuss over things, who always seems to start an argument, who’s almost always seem to be comparing our situation now with how we were when we started falling in love.
sometimes i get tired over minor arguments like we have and feel like running away from it all…. where is the love? i sometimes feel it’s lost with time.. if ur other half thinks you’re painting a too rosy picture.. well, at least she’s getting a rosy picture… i on the other side, am not getting any at all.. haha. being a gemini, i sometimes long for some romance and excitement in our relationship.. but who am i to complain. this is the man i chose to be with. *shrugs*
no one’s perfect… not even me. the same goes for a relationship…
» spiffy
Where is the love? Love is in the loving, in the actions, every single day. Take nothing for granted. We don’t “deserve” this or that. So, if you’re wondering where is the love, it’s time to love. Love him. Not the feeling, but the action, the difficult bits of being understanding and compromise. *hugs*
I don’t know… do i love him enuff or do i love him too much. sometimes it’s as tho i’m the only one loving and he in return is taking care of a ‘daughter’. Maybe it’s his way of showing that he does love me..
you’re right… the understanding and compromise part is really hard. i guess i shudn point my finger fully at him.. i may be wrong at times.. if only he shares them with me. sometimes wht we lack is conversation between us. we can be silent for a long time..
» spiffy
The silences are the worst, aren’t they? Someone does have to speak up first, why not you? Don’t keep waiting, dear…
yup.. they are. i do speak up at times.. but when he cuts me off with a ‘yes/no’ reply, it’s back to square one again. haha…
» spiffy
Makes me all the more grateful for what me and my baby have… Silences can come and go, but never let them be cold. Oh you poor thing… *hugs again*
Haha… u shud be grateful! =P Guess i’m kinda getting used to the silences ady… apa-apa saja la… i’ve stopped making noise to him becuz he dun call me so often, becuz he dont see me so often.. maybe i’ve stop caring a lil. hahah…
but i did told him before tht one day, if i don’t care wht he does or doesn’t do anymore.. that’s when i’ve stopped loving him.
i’ll be alright… no worries. i’ve survived before.. dun see why i cant survive this time around. ;o)
» spiffy
I can’t help but smile at your last line as we segue to Gloria Gaynor’s disco anthem… LOL
you really do have a way with words…. this is near perfect, this entry. seriously!
i read this and couldn’t think of anything to say, just staring at my com for a good 5mins or so…because you’ve said it all in such perfect splendour!
yes its good to fight. to clear the air, to get our repressed angers and irritations off our chests, lest it lay buried, seething beneath…. and the best thing about fighting? the kissing and making up afterwards…
» lingzie
Hehe, you got it right about the best part about fighting!
At the end of the day, we just need to remember to breathe (at least that’s what I keep telling myself, heh).
Your piece rings so true but so difficult to act on. It is the dark side of human nature. Concessions, surrender, forgiveness when dispensed in liberal doses will bring forth a truly happy and contented companionship. I am still married to the same woman for 19 years. Still happy and contented.
are you going to rewrite the famous book… men are from venus, women are from mars?
ah, but without a fight, what is love? Fight because we care isnt it?
Gosh, I am going to sue you for emotional assault. crying in tears *sobsob* - well what i meant was, it touched my heart. seriously ahahahaha
» Chin
19 years! I take my hat off to you, sir. I only pray I get 19 years too, and more.
» zewt
Rewrite? Why not write my own? “Men who are from Venus look like women are from Mars.” LOL
» daphne
Exactly.
» Justin L Ryans
What’s with all the suing of late? First Mr. Christian Bale (the Dark Knight himself) with verbal assault, now me with ‘emotional assault’? Got such thing one, arh?
I guess sometimes we just hold too high an expectation of our love ones that’s the reason to our ‘disagreement’ or ‘fight’. Whenever you have expectation and your partner just fails to meet that, you feel frustrated. You throw tantrum. You are just disappointed.
After so many years together, I have learnt to lower my expectation. The important thing is accept the person your partner is. We all have faults. We are not perfect. If we disagree, let’s talk it out. Nicely or fiercely, doesn’t matter. Wisdom from my friend: no cold war please…it will only lead to dying relationship which soon will be dead…too cold mar…hahaha!
Kenny, your series are really addictive. Will there be more? Hehe!
» Jennifer
“no cold war please…it will only lead to dying relationship which soon will be dead…too cold mar…”
LOL. Oh this got me laughing so very hard. And how true! Oh your friend is very wise indeed. And maybe it’s not so much lowering one’s expectations as adjusting them. Lowering might suggest settling for less, which isn’t the case. We’re merely learning to become a couple, which is different from just being one person.
As for this series, I don’t know. I write them as they come… Anyway, would anyone even want to read about the minutiae of our life? Boring, what… :p
Yeah, maybe boring…but you have the skill to write boring fact to become so exciting to read. Hahaha! Truly admire your writing skill…hehe!
» Jennifer
*blushes*
Why re-use mars and venus?
The Man from Batu Pahat and the Women from Singapore.
How about that? LOL
oops. woman not women.
that would be scandalous! LOL….
» keropokman
Nope, that wouldn’t be scandalous, just a threesome. Or foursome. Or an orgy. oh dear, you’re right. It WOULD be scandalous.
P.S. I think your title is brilliant, and keep the second part pluralized, please.
We always hurt the ones we love, I totally agree. No matter how hard we try to avoid it, it just happens without us noticing it. But the fact that we only want to love them
» equilibrium2008
And sometimes that’s enough.
i can’t write. you are the writer. it would be fun to read what you will write about it. :-p
» keropokman
I can’t imagine what it’d be about… yet. LOL
I’ve just gotten started here on your series. And I’m bowled over. Completely.
I’ve been coming to terms with my own mis/fortune of being deeply ensconced in love and love reciprocated, and your accounts capture the journey in words beautifully.
Yes, making up after is great fun but increasingly disturbing is the surprise at finding the strength and conviction behind the nasty things said and exchanged. I know I have to see them in context of inevitable heartaches and trivial upsets that pepper an otherwise smooth calendar of pure rapture and bliss. The frequency starts to weigh us down, is all.
Look forward to reading more! Don’t stop!
of course, whenever i come here, i feel like a plebian wading in a pool full of literati….or rather, drowning from the D&M of it all.
the only thing i caught was hairy berry’s remark about “isn’t friction one of the best sensations”.
» 550ml jar of faith
Thanks for reading! And I do hope it all turns out well for you too.
» fatboybakes
Literati… hmm, that word means this all writing’s very the literal, right? Or somehing. Heh. As for Hairy Berry, well… he does know a thing or two about friction, doesn’t he? He is, after all, the reigning H@@ters! hoola-hoop champ…
hairy berry’s enjoying his time overseas now!
guess what, he is visiting a place where people are known to be very hairy too! LOL
» keropokman
And where would this be — HairyHairyLand?
If each individual is unique, then the mix of two uniques makes it even more unique.
But that makes it MORE complicated too!
An unsolvable statistical mystery….:P
Hi Kenny, I’ve read your series & your other online books.
My conclusion: You’re a great writer.
Wish I can write like you.
Have a Blessed Weekend!
hahaha kenny, there’s more to than just emotional assault. there’s also emotional blackmail, emotional duress, emotional… blablabla.
Yes, some of your words make for ‘pening kelapa’ too, Kenny. Ha ha. But I sorta get your drift. My other half can be snappiest with his parents and me, but then he’s never as kind and generous to strangers, merely polite and sometimes helpful. In other perkataan, we get his highs and lows and all else in between but acquaintances and strangers get his even-line.
You should ask her to take a picture of you pouting.
We would all love to see it.
» tigerfish
MORE uniqueness = MORE complicated
MORE complicated = MORE drama
MORE drama = MORE stories?
» Jemima
You have a blessed weekend too, and thanks for your very kind compliment!
» Justin L Ryans
That is so… emotional. LOL
» argussimo
And it’s better to get the full spectrum than some flat repartee… Indeed. As for me pouting (or rather, a picture of): NONoNoNONONever!!!
Yes, hence that’s what they say about how you know that you are truly connected with a person; when the silence is comfortable. Just kinda like inhaling & exhaling “each other”, each sustaining the other’s life. Breathe Kenny, breathe ;o) Can’t live with or without love!
Ya Kenny and Me, we should have a Pout Off. Limber up those lips and you might win more than 50% of the time-lah
Oooh Kenny, you’re SO SO in love. LOL.
Michelle says: “There can be no love without the occasional, sometimes un-occasional, spats and fights.”
After all, you need to fight in order to make up, no? And the making up part is always the best part.
P.S. Absolutely luurve your last sentence.
haha…oh Kenny. Its so nice reading your “babies” here and even nicer reading the comments from the other readers.
i have to say, this entry is a bit mind boggling. Not sure if I got the essence of it…but like the rest, it inspire thoughs….makes me think….
life will be boring if everything is nice and sweet. fights give us some spice in life..and yes, i do think when u don’t fight, you don’t argue….maybe, its time that you don’t care anymore…and that’s when u know, the “magic” feeling is not there ….took a long vacation or something like that. It may come back or it may decide that there’s no point in coming back??
luvly…
» wmw
For some reason your comment made me think of tai-chi where the inhale/exhale motion (”hu“/”xi“), the tempo, the rhythms of the movements and the breathing like a natural relationship… That we are both currently addicted to a Hong Kong TV drama called the “Tai Chi Master”! LOL
» Msiagirl
Oh trust me, I pout but good. I have but few rivals i this matter.
» Michelle
1. Agree.
2. Agree.
3. Agree.
P.S. Very the agree. Hehe.
» MH
I think most readers got the essence of this entry though I would warrant many took it far more serious than it’s meant to be. There were only childish silences and silly spats and no full-blown fights (yet, hur hur). But the principles are the same. We all want to be understood and even to understand, but that’s not always possible. The fun is in knowing this and anticipating the making up bits.
hey ya!
i wandered around the web and landed here.
love is only a state of mind, kenny.
I have to agree that… making up is probably the best part. Who knows, you might be burst into laughter, recalling what you had done earlier
» gkae
Just a state of mind? The heart begs to differ, sir/ma’am…
» jason
Oh the bursting out into laughter bit is almost guaranteed. We’re all silly when we get into spats, aren’t we?
And for those of you who have been asking me, the next post will be up by tomorrow, the latest. Promise!
truly poetic. your writing’s very very good. =)
(this, coming from someone who rarely reads anything other than food blogs!!!) LOL
» J2Kfm
Thanks! I’m not sure how folks who read food blogs make of my “life blog” — too weird, maybe?
Another good post Kenny, and very true, esp in the oft-said but always realised too late, that we always tend to hurt the ones we care about. Also, “love is a verb”. Sometimes, we need reminding of that second bit.
» Eliza D
We do, don’t we? Sometimes I feel as though I’m writing mainly to remind myself of everything.
let us kiss and make up and f*** … sometimes in the reverse order… haha…
» cumi&ciki
LOL!!! Oh you kill me, you do…
“We will always hurt the ones we love. These things we say, they are everything.”
sounds like something from an old love song…
love the entry. like a friend of mine once said that “sharing all of our emotions with someone, means that you want them to understand and care for you” (daniel). if you really cared about each other deeply, you will try to heal the wound together. the scar after it’s healed is proof that something painful happened before. but you learn from your mistake. and after you give it some time, you’ll learn to accept & laugh at the memories of the thing that made it.
well, that’s what i do when i look back at my scars anyway, heheh.
good luck with your lady love, as always, kenny.
» Zaty
Interesting comment by your friend. I had a good pal called me about a prob with his better half last nite, and basically I told him that it’s okay to disagree and perhaps even disagree vehemently but how far he wanted to take it depends on how willing they were to work together and work things out.
Thing is, we will always be different people from each other, like it or not, and sometimes this means we will NEVER see eye-to-eye on certain subjects. Never. The eureka moment comes when we make peace with this reality.
And in the meantime, laugh at the scars, eh?
Thanks, dear. Fare you well always.
haha, yeah. it’s amazingly how different everyone is. but that’s what makes relationships special, i guess. the fact that we can get over those differences and make the most with what’s left.
haha, yeah. it’s amazing how different everyone can be. but that’s what makes relationships special, i guess. the fact that we can get over those differences and make the most with what’s left. and when ppl mutually persevere to do this, that’s the best relationship to be in.
» Zaty
That’s really it, isn’t it? Making most of what we have instead of squabbling about the differences and the difficulties? It all boils down to creating more out of less…
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