.
1.
There are so many things you learn about your country when you’re a kid. The various tunes to an assortment of patriotic songs. How many white stripes flow on our flag and how many red stripes too. (The same number, apparently; how very yin/yang.) The words to the Rukunegara. The national flower of Malaysia.
Which was, of course, the orchid.
Unfortunately, my Standard Two schoolteacher Pn. Kadijah disagreed vehemently. She said that was the wrong flower. The correct answer would be the Bunga Raya or the hibiscus. The orchid was Singapore’s national flower, she said. (She always had a small pot of ever-changing blossoms on her table, so she knew her foliage.)
I guess I did always like the wrong flowers.
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2.
Never had much time for the Lion City, truth be told. They were an easy target for teasing, our southern neighbours, they were. So kiasu. So stressed out. I’m sure they had jokes about us too. (Maybe better ones, at that; they managed to export Gurmit Singh to our shores, have we had any comedians cross over the Causeway, I wonder? I’m sure our authorities will release a statement to the effect that we do not need to expand the horizons of our venerable local entertainment scene and perhaps they would be right.)
But I’ve been heading down to Singapore quite a bit lately.
Is it a form of escapism? The recent recession appears to be hitting the island nation hard; I don’t see as many shoppers around in Takashimaya or Paragon as I used to. (The same cannot be argued about Kuala Lumpur; landmark malls like Pavilion, The Curve and KLCC are swamped as ever, thronging with marauding masses eating and buying and bumping happily against each other. Malaysia is doing alright, the authorities tell us, and it would seem that we quite believe this. Amazing, isn’t it, the power of positive thinking?)
Maybe it’s just me — seeing other folks so stressed in another land does relax one somewhat.
.
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3.
CK sits in the balcony, hanging from the ceiling with tassles and a bemused smile as I get my hair cut by Vince, his hairstylist. The man himself has been terribly busy, just recently back from Dubai where he got to run his talented digits through the unseen and forbidden tresses of incredibly beautiful wives of incredibly rich Arab businessmen. No time to come up to KL before his next forage into foreign lands, so we came down here instead.
If Zohan won’t come to me, I must go to Zohan and all that.
(Vince doesn’t do the face-kicking-with-a-smelly-foot bit though. Thankfully.)
He tells me I have done horrible, almost-irreparable things to my hair and I should be shot by a line-up of the best Mossad gunsmen. Instead he starts weaving his magic with my lacklustre locks and tells me the funniest story of clandestine orgies involving a crew of SIA flight attendants. (Nature or nurture — do they learn or are hairstylists just plain gifted with the gab and the gory?)
Vince finishes and asks me what I think of my new hairdo. (There is only one acceptable answer.)
It’s the best haircut I’ve ever had, I say. He smiles, on cue. It’s true, too. The wonders a trip down south would do for you.
.
4.
I am happy in Singapore because I will never belong here. I think of how Yasmin Ahmad’s films always get screened here first with great fanfare and, correct me if I’m wrong, always uncensored and uncut. I think of how smooth and well-maintained its roads are and of the dismay that always hits me when I drive back to Johor Bahru across the Causeway. I think of the orderliness, the greenness, the safety, the cleanliness.
It’s a great getaway and I always enjoy my trips here.
But I will never love it.
I would miss Malaysia’s dustiness and heat too much. I would miss her ugly drivers and honking madmen on the florid highways; I would miss her platoon of pantomining politicians and her casual disregard for laws and regulations. I would miss hawker food that actually taste good. I would miss people who offer real smiles at me as I walk the streets or buy some kuih. I would miss being able to ask for directions and always get an enthusiastic reply. I would miss the inconvenient rains and the flash floods. I would miss the lack of a decent arts & literary scene because that makes us work all that much harder for one. I would miss offending so many people with my views but not risk getting sued for a slip of a sneeze. I would miss everyone just taking it easy, lepaklah brader. I would miss complaining about the inefficiencies and utter stupidity cos we all do it and maybe this is some form of community.
I would enjoy my occasional orchids, but I would always want a whiff of my almost-scentless, always-surprising Bunga Raya.
(And so. I did finally remember the right flower, in the end.)
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~ * ~
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With apologies to Ivan Heng and Chowee Leow’s brilliant & moving An Occasional Orchid,
having almost nothing and everything to do with this little piece of mine.
Went all the way down south to get your much-needed haircut? Good for you.
Ah, the things we all miss about Malaysia when we aren’t there. My dad went back to KL for a week recently, after being away for 4 years. And he came back to me with one description of KL.. “SCARY”…
» Michelle
Well, you should hear the marauding masses pause in their thunderous thronging to stare at me hair and point at it and mock it in merciless tones.
That and there was a sale in Singapore that weekend.
As for your dad’s description of KL, he wouldn’t be too far off the mark, but hey, mind you — we happen to like it this way.
“..we happen to like it this way.”
Don’t we all?
BTW, why do we need a national flower?
» Michelle
1. When I was a young boy of eight, I believed it was criminal that we didn’t get to choose our national flower ourselves. I would so have chosen the ‚em>Bunga Orkid then. Of course, I would proceed to have been majorly grieved at Singapore for having taken it as their national flower before I made my choice, so maybe it’s a good thing it was not up to an easily irritated eight-year-old schoolboy.
2. Now I have come to understand that we need a national flower so that we can outshine the other blooms at the Annual National Flowers of the World Pageant. Not quite Miss Universe, but nothing to sneeze at either.
3. Suddenly realised that Orked is the name of a character in Yasmin’s films. No connection, but still. Sweet.
Absolutely love Orked. And the very beautiful ‘real person’ who played Orked. Though I would say that Orked is every bit as real as Sharifah Amani.
Ahem. Annual National Flowers of the World Pageant?
» Michelle
Yes she is. They are both quite real. Though Ms. Sharifah Amani may prefer to be more ‘real’ than her two-time alter ego.
And yes. Ahem. Heh.
Well there is no place like home
In what I do Singaporeans and Malaysians look at one another as 2 great rivals and friends. The Singaporeans look to import from Malaysia those who are visionary, creative, the dreamer kind for ideas and originality. In Malaysia when we want processes, systems, organizations and methodologies we hunt for a Singaporean. Gurmit Singh is a rare breed. So is the hairstylist you went to:-)
gotta love malaysia, good, ugly and all
» Paul
Dorothy would so agree, eh?
» Chin
I think Vince would be well-chuffed that you compared him to Gurmit Singh. Although one must clarify, Vince is one of those talented Malaysians that Singapore has managed to import to their shores, so…
» rokh
Good, ugly and the best nasi lemak in the world!
oh.. u look so silky smooth…
Hey, did you read about Andrea Fonseka becoming rather famous down south in the past couple of years, acting in TV series and voted sexiest woman and all that? We do export some talent there (can’t remember the others though, as my mind is getting decrepit in my old age).
I actually watched the re-run of Sepet on Astro last week & it was censored. . the part about a certain race being lazy.
Totally nodding my head off as I read your patriotic para — whatever would we do without communal whinges? And truth is, Singaporeans (and every other nationality) have their fair share of whinging too. However, orchids remain my favouritest flower ahead of any other botanical element in the whole universe, so if nothing else, I have to say Singapore’s got a leg up on us in that department.
» cumiandciki
*guffaws*
Aiyo, you make me sound like ‚em>tau foo fa lah!
» Argus Orchibiscus
Ah, but lovely Andrea isn’t a comedian, or is she? Anyway, I’m just being pedantic. I am well aware of which direction the talent flows… It was a dig at us making ignoble digs at each other… or was it just me being that which I just described?
Possibly both, hehe.
» Jemima
At least they got it on Astro now. I’ll take enough exposure for Yasmin’s incredible work than none at all.
» 550ml jar of faith
A-ha! A fellow orchid fan! Yes, shouldn’t we be able to say the orchid’s our favourite flower without being accused of being unpatriotic?
“If Zohan won’t come to me, I must go to Zohan and all that.”
lol. adam sandler would luv this! =D
» Bucky
Love this? I’m just hoping Mr. Sandler doesn’t SUE me for this!
Makes me so proud to be Malaysian:
I would enjoy my occasional orchids, but I would always want a whiff of my almost-scentless, always-surprising Bunga Raya.
Malaysia Boleh!
Btw, cool haircut!
yeah, i know what you mean…
i only realised how beautiful malaysia is, despite its consistent ‘ugliness’, when im on foreign shores.
the good food, the friendliness, the randomness.
the dustiness, the kepohs, the cincainess.
lol. cant have one without the other.
you never know you miss something till it’s not there, as they say.
certainly brings a new meaning to the term metrosexual..i would thought that having a fixed barber oops i mean hair stylist is good enough..but i think u set a new record with driving dwn to singapore to have your hair cut!
» ~ elfie ~
1. I’m always proud to be a Malaysian too, even when there would seem to be reasons not to. Home is home.
2. Hah! You should look at the mess I made of it the day after!
» zaty
Yeah. Most folks think that once you’re abroad you’ll embrace all that is better there and forget about the ol’ homeland and all its faults. Well, the former is generally true, but the latter I’ve found to be a myth somewhat.
» lotsofcravings
Not metrosexual lah, bro. Just shaggy hair in need of a good un-shagging. (That must be the first time anyone’s used that in a sentence, eh? Eck.)
It’s always a love-hate relationship. To a point, I consider myself masochistic for constantly loving-hating both cities (KL and SG). But in the end, there are the friends in both cities that make it okay to keep on enjoying and loathing both such great citiscapes.
Yeah, talking about your frequent visits to Singapore. Never call me also…hmppphhh…Hahahaha!
» Nic (KHKL)
”…there are the friends in both cities that make it okay to keep on enjoying and loathing both such great citiscapes…”
Couldn’t agree more. It’s more fun to make a seesawing game out of Love & Loathing Across the Causeway, no? (Sounds like a stageplay pulak, kan?)
As for my so-called frequent visits to Singapore — they are always on weekends, a time when someone is busy being someone else’s Weekend Bi@tch in KL, remember? Hur hur hur.
The last picture is brilliant. And I’d love to know how you got your inspiration to write this story. Did it start with a title in your head, or the haircut, or the pictures? With you, one is not quite certain.
But still, the little envious patch we so love to hate seems to be gettong more forgiving and lovely each passing day as true love emakidearestland becomes more distant ?
the other sweeter more luscious babe across the table bekons , hope there is yet
I did the exchange with mum; she was Singaporean and I was Msian. She married Malaysian and I, Singaporean. However I am now Singaporean and she Malaysian and we used to fight whenever there Msia/Spore soccer match previously. Reversal role now but alas no more matches.
» Lyrical Lemongrass
Good question. I’m never quite certain mysefl, most of the times.
This one started with the series of photos I took in Singapore in the hairstylist’s saloon. A bohemian, lively district overseeing Clarke Quay. Imbued with Life. And trapped between the present and history. And so I started writing.
No, that’s not quite right yet.
There was the pot of orchids in the balcony. I wondered how often he had them, then realised they were potted orchids, grown and tended, not bought ones, not cut ones. Not occasional orchids.
And that was the name of this play by Ivan Heng I once sat through, this brilliant performance by Chowee Leow in Wisma Tun Sambathan, KL. I remember him telling a member of the audience to have a feel of his fake boobs, and then admonishing him, “Oi! this is not steak, you know, don’t need to massage like that one!”
Orchids. KL. Singapore.
A memory of memories.
Isn’t that how all stories start?
» backStreetgluttons
Fidelity, my friend, fidelity! When temptations threatens, strengthen your resolve, your faith in your country, the country you call home!
For one can have many lovers and one can travel many lands (and love them too, and live there too) but one can have only one true love, one true home, no matter how many loves and homes one possess.
I doubt I’m really patriotic cos that word is a difficult one with too many meanings that are beyond this. I do know there is nothing quite like Malaysia, this place I call home. This place many of you call home too, dear readers. And in that, we are fortunate, no?
» JENCOOKS
And alas! there are no more matches! Roles reverse and second chances there are, but not always, yes?
So we treasure this home now while it exists still the way we see it, the way we remember it, the way it we shape it.
Who knows? One day I might marry a Singaporean and this will all change yet some more…
It’s interesting what you shared about how you write. Now we know how you turn these great pictures into incredible words! =)
so u got the silky smooth treatment by scrappy coco eh? maybe i will never love singapore as much, but i will never hate it as much too as i do now with msia. ok, so maybe “hate” is a strong word. “disappointed” would be a better term.
» Serene
Haha, there is no process though. Just words that come out cos they must. Kinda like something LL would beat me up for mentioning… not her fav thing in the world, haha.
» Jun
Hate is a strong word. And time does heal, my dear. *hugs*
Now, what is this about “scrappy coco”? Ape tu?
hej! kenny…what ever people said about Malaysia, i always miss her…;-)
Ah…so this was part of the story you were telling me about the other day, the haircut and all
» danial ma
Hey… we share the same surname (though you have your ‘H’ circumsized, sorta)… relative ar?
» wmw
Haircut and all.
we were in Singapore recently and we do share with agreement, roads are defintely better there, smooth drive and no podholes. I saw the crowd was still there in Orchard, last week. Hey! you got a great hair cut! lovely and adorable cute too! lol! I am sure they will swamp after you! I still love my flower!
as kiasu as they may be … never failed to acknowledge the S’poreans’ mindset, and advancement in fields that should be pertinent to us all.
if only RM1=S$1 .… I’d be glad to shop and eat my way into the Lion City.
btw, I think Afdlin went over for a stint or two. not as impactful as PCK, for sure.
Ah…Our beloved neighbours down south. Was once asked if I was Singaporean, which really rubbed me the wrong way. But you sound like one, he went on to elaborate…Hmm..
» Big Boys Oven
Singapore should have a new tourism slogan: Visit Singapore! No Potholes Here!
Ah, but you can come visit Malaysia and see the creative ways in which our motorists avoid these potholes… Lagi interesting, kan?
P.S. I’m not one of those who are able to avoid them potholes… I hit each and every one…
» J2Kfm
The fact PCK is an accepted and popular acronym says it all lah.
» unkaleong
Ho ho ho. At least no one has accused me of being a Singaporean before. Vietnamese, yes, but that’s another story…
haha… this post, i shall keep quiet.
too much things to say.…. LOL…
Pak Nic goes up to KL on weekends, but I am still here. haha…
» keropokman
Hehe, I was wondering when my Singaporean friends were gonna comment. Fact is, I’m hardly anti-S’porean having so many pals there and visiting it as often as I do. Just take this as another of my pointless musings lah…
not forgetting you probably grew up listening to more Singapore patriotic songs than Malaysian ones. lol..
you most probably visited during the school exam periods? parents are all busy staying at home coaching their children.
the sale’s now on.. and the crowd’s all back. *shudder at the thought of it*
» keropokman
That would be true, mate. Singaporean lyricists just wrote better songs then.
And hey, the Sale’s back? I am so there. Shudder away, my friend, shudder away. *sniggers*
what’s that you’d get beaten up for mentioning? Tell, tell… =D
» Serene
Eh. Tak boleh. Dun want you to lose your appetite or somethin’.
the food just tastes SO MUCH better in malaysia!
» Maslinda
Indisputably so.
the both of you go to singapore to have your hairs cut by a celebrity stylist who runs his hand thru un-tudunged ladies in a land that frowns upon such displays of immodesty? wow, i have not lived!!!!!!
the one on the swing with you (middle pic) is zohan i presume?
» fatboybakes
Oh you have so lived, Mr. Baker-who-used-to-do-stuff-that-if-I-wrote-here-I’d-get-exterminated-without-traces…
Zohan a.k.a. Vince is the one on the swing with me, yes. Haha…
I guess we always complain about our own homeland because we love it to bits. It’s sort of like a love-hate “relationship”.
» gina
Let’s make it Love-Love lor… I don’t mind being the ambassador… Especially if both countries are keen on sponsoring me! LOL
Love-Love Ambassador? New role for the Famous Kenny Mah?
p.s. I bet Italy and France would be willing to sponsor, they are so Romantic. Hehaha…
» Stephan
Love-Love Ambassador? That makes me sound so skanky lah. But yes to Italy and France… so romantic indeed… sighs…