.
I
You want to stop, just stop and take a break. Breathe. Take a deep breath in and let it out. Repeat.
You just want to settle down, for good. Root your feet to the earth, grind your toes into the soil. Get grounded.
Stop travelling. Stop flying. No more highways and no more airplanes. Just one foot before the other, one after another, one step at a time. And then —
You find your spot. That perfect place, where you have always found yourself and never want to leave. You want to hold him in your arms and not let go. Never let go. Here is home. Here is my heart. Here you are. Here I am. We have found each other and we are home.
.
II
It’s a quiet room. Almost empty, but for the bed and the slowing light, the slopes and the shadows. Her breath, the throb of his hands over hers, hands that shall have to let go but not yet. Not yet.
They are surrounded by her friends and her enemies, memories and history inseparable and indistinguishable from each other. There are no tears or there is too much weeping, depending on what you believe, depending on who you ask, on who you are. She’s spent much of her life challenging cynics, maybe she could turn you too. Your heart is not made of stone, she admonishes gently, no matter what you may choose to believe. You are always forgiven. We can no more disgrace ourselves than ignore who we are. What we believe, who we are. Her stories repeat. We believe, we are. Her story —
— the beating of great wings, the final call of a giant, the light that never dims. The phoenix, the garuda, the dragon, the demons the angels the song of saints and sinners, the woman, the wife the daughter the sister, O she has departed!
.
III
This is de-cluttering. I need to simplify my life. Maybe it started from all the constant travel, for work. The endless road can wear you down. Maybe it was when my grandmother passed away and there wasn’t time, not really, to mourn or grieve or make what I will of it before I was on the road again, in the air again. And then Yasmin died. And there wasn’t much time to grieve either, this great loss of a Malaysian artist, our best my heart tells me. There wasn’t time to watch her films again, to wonder about the films she would have made, the lives she had touched and those she would have, had she not passed so early. There wasn’t time to say goodbye.
I am deleting my online profiles, one by one. Time-sapping devices. Life-sapping, as it turns out. I bow my head low as the monks chant during my grandmother’s wake and I am surrounded by family, all dressed in sombre white, and I remember how my grandfather passed away almost fifteen years ago before. How does it feel like to live on without your other half for so many more years, for a decade more, for two? How did she do it? Even if I had children, or grandchildren, I doubt they would be solace to me. I imagine life without my partner, my sweet Devil, and I don’t imagine life at all. There is nothing.
How fortunate then, there is still time. There are, maybe, years that stretch ahead of us. Years. I pray for years, I am greedy, I want to live to an uncertain, an impractical 100. I love life too much to bear losing a single second.
I am cleaning up my life. To make more room for us, and for the better man I can be. I dream of the films Yasmin would never make now, and I regret the stories I have never written. No, no regret. Only now, begin now.
I write. I love. I live.
.
IV
It’s a quiet room. Almost empty, but for the bed and the slowing light, the slopes and the shadows. Her breath, the throb of his hands over hers, hands that shall have to let go but not yet. Not yet.
She stirs, wakes and sees him looking at her.
“Dear.”
“Sayang.”
There was never enough time.
We had all the time in the world. We had all the time we needed.
We have time to say goodbye.
.
~ * ~
.
Rest in peace, Grandmother. Rest in peace, Kak Yasmin.
Words & design by Kenny Mah.
Hey … take it easy yeah *hugs*
it’s hard saying sorry and saying goodbye but we have to do BOTH some time in our lives.
I:
Give me your hands, I will hold them dear and never let go.
II:
I’m here when you are here. I’m there when you are there. I’m at wherever you are.
III:
There’s no need for eternity, I will treasure every spilt second that we have
IV:
I need you, to make me whole.
My deepest sympathies Kenny. I hope you are doing ok.
Life is fragile and I trust the memory of your Grandma will pull you thru.
Take care Sir.
What a beautiful post.
Have you finally taken a break from all that travelling? And now can we embrace you back into the folds of regular blog posts & stories, inspirational nuggets to get our bewildered selves through this nasty, nefarious landscape??
When things like these happen, it does put life into perspective, doesn’t it?
A genius like Yasmin does not belong in this ordinary, wretched world. I like to think that she’s shining even brighter among the stars now, where she belongs.
I’ve missed you, my friend.
“There are no tears or there is too much weeping, depending on what you believe, depending on who you ask, on who you are.”
That’s my favorite part.
This post is beautiful, as usual.
De-cluttering is a new obsession of mine too. I need to get my life down to the bare stuff. See what it’s about. Make smart choices, and move forward.
“I am deleting my online profiles, one by one. Time-sapping devices. Life-sapping, as it turns out.”
Yes. Yes! YES. Life-sapping is a good word for it. So consuming. Appeals to our voyeuristic side sort of, to be watching so many people from afar (at least that’s how I feel about things like facebook). It certainly represents no real intimacy. Urgh. I go back and forth about the in the internet profile thing. And I just deleted a few. If it does not contribute to our health, creativity, or stability– is it worth our time? I really think not.
hey, have not dropped by in awhile. sorry to hear abt ur grandmother’s passing. my condolences to u and ur family.
very true words about decluttering and simplifying our lives. we all need to take a break sometimes and focus on what is important to us!
Rest in peace.
I just need a cup of decent coffee with a cosy sofa. Have a light sip, listening to lounging music. Everything seems can be frozen in this seconds, and I find peace inside of me.
Every once on a wide expansive cloudy day, blurred withdrawal symptoms like this is bound to show its gloomy profile…
but not to worry …your next new rise will be even more enthralling and that much sweeter and nearer…
…to the true love of your dreams for its just round that street behind the garden
sounds like an uber hard n fast paced life u got there..
take a break..have a kit kat..
deepest condolences to ur grandma, kenny. i can imagine how much it must hurt losing a loved one. *hugs*
After the exhale there will be the inhaling — life, time and space.
maybe the clear blue skiess represent ur clear state of mind now after the decluttering? =)
yasmin ahmad was a great malaysian and director. she will be sorely missed.
Dear Kenny -
Apologies. Deepest and with hopes that you find solace from one who has already lost one of the greatest women in his life. She earned her angel wings a few years back and I have those same wings and her heart emblazoned on my left arm, close to my beating heart.
Time is a cruel, yet loving mistress and she does not bend to Man’s requests for less nor more. I’m happy when I read that you continually discover and appreciate and are grateful for all your blessings, especially Devil
.
Kak Yasmin — much love to her as she makes movies and more in a happier, lighter place.
Love and peace to you -
Kenneth.
Don’t forget to inhale again wor. Chillax dude
Glad to have sms-ed you and find you still as good as ever, despite your busy schedule. Take good care of yourself, dude. See ya soon!
Your grandma lives on in you and your family members.
Yasmin lives on in her movies and adverts.
As Vladimir Nabokov said: ” Life is a great surprise. I do not see why death should not be an even greater one.”
*HUGS*
take care ya.
in your busy time, always remember to breathe!
the strong and the good live on forever in the memories of their loved ones.
~ HUGS ~
reminds me of that song waiting to exhale…
We all just need that one moment don’t we? In that one quiet moment, everything is revealed to us. And then the moment disappears, almost like it never existed. But we know, it did. And we cherish it.
*hugs*
Our loved ones will leave us at one point of our live but most important is to keep those good and sweet memories we have of them forever with us. Take care Kenny…
ooo, i remembered my traveling days, it took up so much of my time from things that i love! hang in there
sorry to hear abt ur loss, kenny. your grandmother will still be watching over you from heaven. hugs.
hey..your schedule is sure crazy..and all of us havent seen u for ages! But yes, when we r under emplyment i guess we do not have a say in the matter. I totally despised that..
i was even barred frm taking leave, even when my granma was in her dying breath in the hospital. I took a day trip to see her, and so glad i did. She passed away a week after.
Her funeral was 2 weeks back..and I wasnt able to stay longer than 2 days.
I’m not as close to her as you were w yr granny, but i felt the frustration of work demands.
I imagine now if it was a close person to my heart, how would i feel not being able to visit & be there for her/him..
My condolences too. Death is always a surprise, and always sobering. But the bittersweet is also beautiful. The departed are sometimes more appreciated when they are gone, and they make us treasure the living even more.
We exhale to make room for a new cycle, a new beginning.
I’m simplifying too. Too many distractions from what truly matters.
Love this post. Thanks!
the sense of loss is terrible, but there is always sun after the rain, as ur stories foretell. =)
Thanks, dear. *hugs back*
Not just some times, mate; I’d say many times in our lives if we live our lives fully and fearlessly. We make mistakes, we love and learn and we lose the ones we love but that’s all part of how our stories go.
And the story is beautiful.
I’m doing great, thanks for asking. It’s been a couple of weeks now and the travel/work keeps my mind off things.
But yes, life is fragile but we also so strong too, don’t you agree?
The opposite, really — I’m doing more travelling than ever; in fact, I just came back from Kedah and will be on the road again tomorrow, this time for seven days straight!
So, yeah… not quite back to regular blog posts or what not, but things will improve by the latter part of this year. Keep tuning in!
She is shining bright, my friend, shining bright and ever more.
Miss you too, Vern.
Hey dear, sorry for the late reply — travelling as usual.
I’m kinda glad we’re both on the de-cluttering bandwagon, so to speak. Our lives seem to run in parallel cycles (pardon the mixed and mayhaps incorrect metaphor), don’t you think so? We’ve been online friends since, what, 2004? And time has taken its toll on us but as the cliché rightly puts it, it only makes us stronger.
I’ve just deactivated my Facebook account, truth be told. Scary that it has taken me days after my initial decision to do so simply to act on it. And it feels so much better afterwards. Immediately. I feel as though, heck, I know that I now have more time every day to focus on what’s important to me, that shan’t be misspent otherwise.
I want to move from life-sapping activities to life–shaping pursuits. And it begins with baby steps like these.
Here’s to a more fulfilling life by fulfilling life’s fullest potential!
Thanks, mate and aye to simplifying our lives!
Nay, though I don’t mind if they paid me for it!
Wow. Way to go with the serenity, brother. We may we all have an hour like this each day.
Here’s to the street behind the garden. Somehow I know exactly which street and which garden you’re speaking of, my friend.
Kit Kat? My ever-expanding waistline regretfully declines.
Thank you, dear. *hugs hugs*
Good point, sir. Let’s not forget to INHALE after exhaling! *phew*
Well, I did fly through some relatively cloudless skies this afternoon…
More than words can say, my friend, more than words can say.
Thank you for both your kind thoughts and sharing your story. You remind that whether it’s written on our skin or on our hearts, we bear a tattoo of our loved ones forever, and this is good fortune.
Love and peace to you too, mate.
Sweet one-liners there, bro! Ever considered a career in slogan-writing?
I am sorry to hear of your loss. I apologize for not mentioning that the first comment round.
We do have, strangely parallel lives. If something really really good happens to you, let me know. Maybe it’ll be around the bend for me too. Sounds like we could both use it.
Strength. That, we have. And insight too. Wow, 5 years we’ve been keeping track of each other. I like it. Here’s to many more *cheers*
p.s. found you on twitter– will you be keeping it?
Hey, you never have to say sorry, dear. Your emails keep me sane on some bad days, they do.
As for something good happening to me, I like to believe, to acknowledge that something is, every day, every second. It’s as contrived as being alive still to breathe to act to create to love to connect, and it’s every bit as true.
Here’s to 5 more years and 5 more and more. Cheers!
Yup, will keep Twitter and this blog, but that’s about it for my online presence. Twitter mostly as a tool for my website’s status bar so I doubt I’ll be tweeting daily, much less every 10 minutes like some others. I’d have to say I’m very impressed though with human ingenuity and tenacity — a couple of friends have their MSN and Facebook blocked at the office and they just tweet rapidly to one another instead!
Brilliant.
“Chillax”? Chill + Relax? Wow, I’m gonna keep this one and use it fersure.
Thanks for those text messages all the way from across the Causeway, bro. Very comforting… and amusing to boot! See you in the Lion City, mate!
Lovely Nabokov quote, dear. And thanks.
*hugs back*
I’ll remember… (some odd Madonna song in my mind…)
Like a Virgin?
Nope, there is really a Madonna song called “I’ll Remember”… Don’t ask me how I know this…
a little Kit Kat cannot hurt… just dun have too many of them…
*monkey raises his hand* i know! I know how you’ll know this! pick me!
Gosh, I’m afraid to even ask but yeah, how come I know this?
Aye, they do. Thanks, dear. *hugs!*
Whitney Houston? Man, that seems like a lifetime ago… When is she gonna release a new album already?
Everything disappears in their own time, after a fashion. But it DID happen, and that may be what matters. That, and what we do with what comes after.
Thanks for taking me out, not once, but twice, when I was on my recent work trip to Penang. It made a great difference seeing a friendly face when I am away from home.
*hugs!*
P.S. Ivy’s oyster-sea urchin-shōchū shooter was AMAZING. Thanks for introducing me to a great restaurant and an incredible new friend!
I will do exactly that, dear. Fingers crossed, these travelling days shall be reducing by the end of this month!
I hope so, that would be comforting certainly. *hugs back*
Hehe, true enough that. Moderation is the name of the game, no?
Man, that is harsh. I’m sorry both for your loss and how little time you had. I’m very fortunate to have a very understanding management who approved my compassionate leave immediately.
Working to pay the bills, aye, that’s what most of us have to do, but the ends don’t meet when we can’t live our lives the way we intend. I’m counting my blessings that despite my hectic schedule, my work has freed me up in many ways to account for my own live and make small, constant improvements.
Here’s to better days to come, my dear, and taking baby steps towards them.
Death as a surprise, that is a neat way of putting it. But maybe it comes less as a surprise when we put our lives to order so that we don’t leave chaos in our wake (no pun intended). Merely good memories and good work done and to be proud of.
Always the sun, always.
we must live our lives fearlessly but more importantly FULLY. truly a beautiful story. =)