So, I’ve been thinking. About Life, Dreams, and Sushi Restaurant Chains. You see, it has always been difficult for me to sit down and actually focus on doing any one thing. It’s like my pants are on fire. Actually, that’s usually only in the beginning. Rather rapidly, I would descend into a kinda slow, warm, dreamy sloth.

And then all goes to hell.

Nothing gets done, I feel guilty, and disgusted with meself. It’s like a fresh round of slippery depression. You can never see them coming. It’s a shitty time and it seems to go on forever.

And then you get up. You do. I won’t say you always do, cos that’s just asking for trouble. You don’t know that you would. You just hope for it. And so far, I’ve been rising from every bloody fire, an ash-choked phoenix chick, ugly and wrinkled. These wrinkles are scars.

So, I’ve been thinking. For I’m in a good period right now. A really good period. Better to think now than later, especially when all thoughts are dark and darker. And I’ve decided that there’s no responsibility greater right now than for me to be happy. To make meself happy. Sounds a tad selfish, but all the smiling faces around me (when they’re not busy laughing they’re asses off) tell me there are fringe benefits.

Clichés are clichés cos they’re true.

I don’t want to burden meself with too many external responsibilities and expectations and goals and whatever else they tell you to buy from the big supermarket up there in the sky. Screw society’s definition of success. I have never been more successful in my life till the day I realised that success is what I want and that I don’t have to give a shit about what the rest of the rest thinks.

(And they’re always ready to share their opinions, these lynching mobs.)

I’ve been thinking and I’ve decided not to kill myself. Cos suicide is following what other want you to do, to be. If you’ve gotta dance, dance it to your own tune. And with the partners you desire.

I had a fantastic date Monday evening. A true lady was Shwugirl. Intelligent, sexy, open. From showing her how the Japanese drink green tea from their oversized cups to her suggesting (and me acquiescing, quietly grinning) we watch Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, it’s nice to be romantic and easy and happy without the thought of pretending to be different than you are.

We’ll be going for a play this Saturday. Then horses to ride and fake mountains to climb. And it’s swell cos there’s no strings attached. It’s incredible to be able to date someone without thinking about a soddin’ Relationship. She knows I want to date other people; I know who her heart flutters for (not me). It doesn’t matter; our lives are still our lives. If I’ve a chance to stop and think, I’d be amazed with how easy this is, how right and okay it feels, why haven’t we done this before?

Cos it’s not easy having yellow skin. It’s not easy being the only one in class willing to discuss oral sex. It’s not easy being male and “sensitive” when all your friends still think women are for having babies and “that other thing”.

But I’ve given up caring. I’m way past it. And suddenly everything’s so easy. You have gotta know which are oriental frostings and which are just oriental pissings.

You have teriyaki and try preserved ginger the colour of artificial saffron. You give up engineering, which you hate, and try marketing, which turns out great (so far). You tell people who are bad to you to go fuck themselves. You give up people who are bad for you, and seek those for are good, those who are faithful all this while when you were wallowing in self-pity

You do what you have wanted to do all this time and it makes you so happy.

I feel so alive right now. I can be so wry and witty Nana cracks a rib from laughing; I can be the perfect gentleman my dates deserve; I can be the dynamic, outspoken one in class with all the right things to say. I can be all this and it matters to me. It matters to me, and this is okay, cos I’ve discovered this for myself, and it’s not what society or whoever deems it proper to be.

I’ve discovered freedom.

So, I’ve been thinking. And I’ve decided it’s a Good Thing.

.

Copyright © 2002 Kenny Mah Ying Fye.