Or at least, I used to. These days, the King of Fruits is often ostracised, deemed no longer fashionable. Too flatulence-inducing, some argue. Others accuse it of sending their formerly placid spouses into sexually-charged rampages in the bedroom… and the kitchen… and the balcony… and even outside the matrimonial abode at the oddest hours of night… and day. Bombs and romps. Oh no no.
Perhaps it’s the plethora of durian-based food products commercially available these days or what I like to call ‘the fake stuff’. From durian ice-cream to durian cakes, from durian-flavoured junk food to durian-enhanced bubble tea drinks. My beloved hometown even produces a variant of our inimitable iced cendol with… yes, durian.
Most of it taste like crud, naturally. That’s what happens when the ‘durian’ in the name of the product is more like a hint, an idea, a mere suggestion of the original.
No, if I’m gonna have durian, it has to be the bona fide item. The real deal. I want my durian to be in the flesh, creamy and silky and smelling like no fragrance on this earth has the right to match.
So, it’s hardly any surprise that despite the maddening heat and the throat-scorching haze, I decided that we have to have some durian. Already we were fantasizing about it all weekend when you claimed to have caught a whiff of the elusive fruit courtesy of our neighbours sneaking some into the building…
Here’s where I have a confession to make. Rather than mimic my forefathers (well, even my father, really) and head to the nearest, hastily-assembled-given-it’s-the-season durian stall and have the proprietor pry open with his trusty parang a couple of durians that I handpicked after a complex process of weighing the thorny fruits in my palms, sniffing and scratching and shaking the damn things – I just drove to the mall and bought some wrapped in cling wrap, got home and left them in the refridgerator as a surprise for you.
Surprise!
Who cares what our friends will think? There will always be purists and there will always be haters, saying our precious ambrosia stinks to high heaven. Oh it will bring us to high heaven all right, but it sure ain’t cos of its non-existent stench. This is the aroma of the goddesses, my beloved, the most beautiful and the most graceful, the most tender and delicious. The fruit of nymphs and nymphettes… The food of Samsons and Goliaths before their Delilahs and Davids got to them.
I will tear the wrapping gently. Get ready. No rush, but if you aren’t careful, it’ll be all gone before you know it. I’m hungry, baby. And you know what they claim. Sexually-charged rampages and what not. Rumours, you say? Oh I’m counting on them being not.
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Copyright © 2011 Kenny Mah Ying Fye. Picture by Kenny Mah.
~ THE HAZE & THE HEATWAVE ~
I • Tonkatsu by Wa Kitchen
II • Durians for Delilah
III • Baskin Robbins Dreams
Kenny Mah believes in the good in people. He has been blogging for over ten years. No, his hands aren't tired. Yet.
That looked like a tub of decent durians – what strain was that? Oh no no… we hv to go and squat by the roadside… or at the very least, perch on wooden stools in makeshift stalls to truly savour the King of Fruits. Jom, makan durian!
@Pureglutton: It’s the ‘Udang Merah’ or ‘Red Prawn’ variety – Devil and I had never had it before and it’s pretty good!
Go squatting by the roadside? I’ll aim for the wooden stools, preferably. Hehe. Is this another date, my dear? *winks*
Wahahaha… I made it to be the FIRST commentor – what a privilege :P Yes, it’s another date on the calendar – soon, ok?
@Pureglutton: Ooh, I like both the dates on the calendar. Gonna try and make the first date with you next week, mayhaps? Unless you happen to be free tomorrow? *winks winks*
Sadly, I’ve not been able to go near durians since an unfortunate OD incident when I was in primary school. It is most unfortunate, especially after I recently stumbled upon a deleted scene from In the Mood for Love which saw Tony Leung’s character, supposedly in Singapore, devouring the fruit. I want to be that durian!!
@minchow: I OD’ed on durians once in secondary school and didn’t touch the stuff for three solid years. Then on the fourth year, I caught the whiff of something most heavenly… and that was it. Back on the saddle, as it were.
And I know what you mean. I wanna be the wonton mee that Maggie Cheung is slurping in ‘In the Mood for Love’ myself. *sighs yummily*
A durian is a golden treasure to many Malaysians,
Airy and soft, yet it feels so grand.
Buttery, custard-like, it tastes like heaven,
Flavor so rich, it’s simply divine!
@jemima: Wow, a comment in rhyme! Haven’t had one of this in awhile… Let’s see if I can manage a decent reply to ya…
The durian is indeed divine
Fallen to earth from heaven
It’s a gift! It’s a sign!
That inside this thorny weapon
The greatest flavour is hidden
Let us open it! Let us dine!
(Okay, so mine didn’t work that well… but still. I did try. Heh.)
oi! when you said you were photoshopping pictures of durian, i expected a full page of pulpy pleasure … not merely ONE photo!
btw, wouldn’t keeping durian in your fridge cause EVERYTHING else to smell of durian?! durian-scented peanut butter, durian-odoriferous fish nuggets, durian-stinky cheddar cheese … the horror! :P
p.s. the bbc says that excessive durian-eating causes sore throats: http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/A330805 … so now we know what sparked your sudden malady :D
@Sean: Well, I was looking at the pictures (plural) that I took of the durian we ate and decided that the one picture (singular) was the best option. Heh.
And no, keeping the durian in the fridge wouldn’t cause everything else to smell of durian for the following two reasons:
1. The durian was covered in cling-wrap and then packaged further by a plastic bag; and
2. We have a rather bare larder sorta refrigerator anyway…
P.S. Bah! What does that little news portal know anyway… Pffth!
y’know, i haven’t eaten durian out of the husk in years, but the ones you bought look really, ermm, yellow. kinda like nangka. or almost golden like corn. i thought this is what the REAL color of durian should be: http://www.nealford.com/images/durian.jpg … so either you were over-zealous in your photoshopping or you bought durian that was crossbred with heaven-knows-what :D
at any rate, in this new century of wider democracy, i believe malaysians should FINALLY be allowed a chance to vote in a national referendum on what we believe should REALLY be our country’s “king of fruits” … my ballot goes to the humble, unassuming mangosteen for sure (though it’ll be tough battle between that and ciku) :D
p.s. the bbc strongly recommends bear bile to combat the consequence of prickly throat caused by prickly fruit :P
@Sean: The colour of durians actually vary from one breed to another. The bright yellow shade really attracts me, but at the end of the day, it’s the taste and aroma that matters.
I’ve even had durians which were orange in colour but still had a superb flavour!
And as for your suggestion: Boo! (I loathe mangosteens with a vengeance.)
P.S. The BBC did not! Isn’t bear bile illegal? (Not to mention guilty of animal cruelty?)
a valiant argument, but my instincts tell me to stick to the “overzealous photoshopping” theory :D
ah, but you once disliked durians for a period of time too, so there’s every chance that you might someday appreciate why confucius himself called mangosteens “the fruits consumed in the highest pantheon of heaven” (in the meantime, you can vote for rambutans as malaysia’s king of fruits)
p.s. oops! you caught me in the thick of a lie! :P actually yeah, i just wrote an article about bear bile yesterday, so i’m still talking about it…
@Sean: Nah, my Photoshopping is hardly zealous, much less over-zealous. (How does one overdo something that is inherently over the top already, anyway?)
I just have a knack for buying really brightly-coloured durians (its flesh, at any rate, since I saw neither hide nor husk of its green, thorny exterior). ‘Tis true.
And Confucious said no such thing about mangosteens! If he had consumed this “Roadkill of Fruits”, why – he would have named it exactly as such, he would.
P.S. What was the title of your article – Bear Bile for Beginners? Uhm, I hope not.
i guess like most kids, you’re attracted to bright, shiny things :P
if you read the bbc article above, it also claims durians are an aphrodisiac, and that there’s an old malaysian saying that goes, “when the durians come down, the sarongs come off!” bizarrely, i’ve never heard of that saying, but you can tell me if it’s true :D
p.s. bile! that’s something i’ve never tasted before. wonder whether it’s obtainable without causing cruelty to an animal. do pigs have bile? :P
@Sean: Like kids, yes. And magpies too. Crows, even. Heh.
As for sarongs coming off, I wouldn’t know since I don’t own one. But other lower body garments do seem to have a propensity for falling away when durians are consumed. Not immediately, mind you, but shortly thereafter. Ahem.
P.S. Bile is vile.
how about durian with sambal belacan? no joke, i just happened to know from a blogger that he ate that with rice! this is also no fake stuff like you claimed and 100% genuine! Do you think all the orang putih will start running away from us if they see us eat like that? what’s more if it’s a burp?!
@lena: Hmm. That doesn’t sound that bad, actually. It’s strange what I would like and what I wouldn’t.
At least it ain’t see hum, right? I’m terrified of cockles in all its cooked and uncooked forms… *shivers*
you really like that sambal durian? then i think you can make friend with him..he’s pete, the one commented beofre you in my post.
there goes your see hum again..me too..i didnt know you’re terrified of see hums..i thought you got a lovely tale to tell about see hums!
@lena: Hahaha… No, I’ve not tried it before. What I meant was that I don’t think I would dislike it; in fact, there is a high possibility I may even enjoy it very much.
Me, tell a tale about see hum? It would be a horror story for sure, if I did!
Usually run screaming from the stench :) But my boyfriend loves it to bits. Even has a few trees growing in his orchard.
@Paul: Your boyfriend has an orchard? With durian trees? Ones that bear fruit some more, yes?
Time to arrange a visit to this durian dusun… Hehe.
Ha Kat was wondering why you didn’t “drink water from the husk” to combat your sore throat. But we can clearly see that styrofoam would not do the trick!
@Msiagirl: Heh. Imaginary husks, maybe?
Anyway, I boiled us some lor hon kor which was both naturally sweet and ‘cooling’ for the ‘heaty’ body, so that works too. Win for Kenny!
Enjoy it while it lasts…yesterdays papers said now that the sanctions against China have been lifted, msia will export durian there, making it exoooorrrbitantly expensive for us locals. bloody chinks…
@Always Thrashed By Devil At Scrabble (a.k.a. FatBoyBakes): Do mainland Chinese even like durians? I’ve heard one of their martial arts actors – Zhao Wenzhuo, I believe – loves our thorny King of Fruits, but I doubt many of his countrymen do.
Best solution is to go and start a durian dusun right now, sir. And don’t forget to invite us when you organise your annual durian parties once you trees begin to bear fruit, ya? Hehe.
Feel like having more, one packet not definetely enough……
@FBB : you have thrashed me for almost the last 10 games………
@Always Thrashed By FBB At Scrabble (a.k.a. Devil): I know what you mean – I always feel like having more durian. Given how the weather is improving (less hot and heatstroke-inducing), I guess more wouldn’t hurt.
(And whaddya mean ONE packet? I bought TWO packets!)
*laughs at your retort to FBB*
OMG!! Durians!! Gonna run next door (an Asian grocery) to see if they have frozen durians in stock. Tastes awesome..just like having 100% pure durian ice cream.
@Precious Pea: Oh dear. I’ve totally infected you with delicious durian-itis, haven’t I? Last I heard, there’s no cure… *cue evil laughter*
Dam u kenny mah…now I oso feel like durianing…
wonder how much precious pea pays for durian there..the udang merahs are not cheap here
@FBB who is currently winning a game against Devil: Hehe. Don’t blame me for spreading the liu lian love…
Yeah, the durians I bought were udang merah and it cost me RM45! Ah well, anything to keep Devil happy. After all, you’re beating his ass at Scrabble… *chuckles*
durians straight from the fridge is the schnitz!! btw are u using a full frame camera?? how come ur photos are so sharp!? *wave of admiration*
@Jun: Yay! Another lover of chilled durians, just like me! Woo-hoo! *high-fives jun*
Hmm. Just a normal camera, and then some deft Photoshopping, and then voila! Durians. Hee.
No, no, no!! You MUST have the husk!! To drink from and wash your hands with!! Next time ask for the discard husks, OK?
@gfad: The discarded husks? But I like the husks to be fresh, if that makes sense…
Can’t get any fresher if you pluck it from the tree itself and open it yourself, eh? :D Easier to just shuck open some see hum lerr…
@gfad: Haha, it can’t get fresher than that, certainly. However, isn’t it true that one shouldn’t pluck the fruits directly from the durian trees? That if it’s perfectly ripe, the durians will fall on their own accord from the branches? (At least, that’s what I heard; I may wrong.)
And see hum shucking? Uhm, no thanks, really.
Yeah, akcherly you should wait for it to drop naturally. Just be careful where you stand and wait though.. ^_^
@gfad: Don’t they fall down in the middle of the night though? I can’t possibly just stand beneath a durian tree all night…
See hum is less threatening…
@gfad: See hum is more threatening to ME! I have a gag reflex where cockles are concerned after all…