“No one loves me.”
My friend is wailing online to me, and I think he is only half-joking. And so I do my best booming voice impression of a self-help pseudo-guru, “The question is, do you love yourself, my child?”
While my friend is laughing at my lame antics, I continue:
“Cos it’s okay if you love yourself. That’s all we really need. If others love us, it’s… nice. If my parents raised me to the best of their ability and continues to care for me and bug me about when I’m gonna get married, that’s a bonus. If my partner accepts me with all my ugly bits and faults, and looks forward to my kisses and my hugs and my voice, that’s a bonus. If my best friend abuses me physically the only way a real friend can, while purring kindergarten-level terms of endearment at me, that’s a bonus.”
I’m not sure my friend is laughing any more at this point.
“I love myself. That’s the coolest thing, really. I’m so grateful for this. I even like life. A lot. I want more of it. Live to be a hundred years old and get all wrinkly and bald. (Well, that will probably come much earlier.) But my parents and my partner and my friends loving me? That’s extra. That’s very cool, too. I’ll be so lucky to have that. I am so lucky.”
More love is a bonus.
.
Copyright © 2011 Kenny Mah Ying Fye.
Kenny Mah believes in the good in people. He has been blogging for over ten years. No, his hands aren't tired. Yet.
Nicely said Kenny. May I also add “If we do not love ourself, how then do we expect others to love us?”
@aSstHa: Good one, that. And may that – the flow of love – keep going around. More love brings on more love. It’s a wonderful multiplier effect, really.
*HUGS* Yes. More love is definitely a bonus. The more you have, the more you can give away – besides, if you don’t have an overflowing abundance of love, or some store of it, how can you possibly give it to anyone else without being seriously depleted?
Much love, my dear. Mwah!
Thanks Kenny, your post reminds me of a verse given by my spiritual director during uni time,
“We must learn to love ourselves before we love other people.” — J. Fung, SJ
hmmmmm. after finishing katherine’s autobiography, i can’t say i admire/respect her, and i disagree with many of her opinions about life and love. but what you wrote reminds me a lot of this paragraph in her book:
“You give because you love and you cannot help giving. If you are very lucky, you may be loved back. That is delicious but it does not necessarily happen.”
@Spindle Girl: My best store of overflowing love must be my friends and beloved readers – so much love there is in the comments and stories that are shared here every single day.
If this isn’t good fortune, I don’t know what is.
Much love and hugs to you too, dear!
@Alby: Wise person, your spiritual director.
@Sean: Delicious it is indeed, but not guaranteed. More love is a bonus is a nice surprise each time.
nooooo, that’s NOT the right response! you’re supposed to say you’re impressed that i managed to finish reading katherine hepburn’s autobiography so quickly (also finished reading the biography of peter the great during this long weekend, but that’s another story altogether) :D
So right. Also, we won’t be able to accept or enjoy the “more love” bonus if we don’t first love ourselves.
@Sean: Haha, funny you. I simply assume everyone else reads much faster than me, so that’s hardly an achievement my young biography-reader friend.
@Camemberu: You, my dear, are a great bonus to Devil and me! *HUGS*
maybe you’d have more time to read new stuff if you didn’t insist on revisiting the LOTR trilogy periodically!
i never did ask you why you even read hepburn’s autobiography (especially since more people seem to be interested in audrey than katherine)! i think they were both inimitable actresses and deserving stars, but they were always just playing variations of themselves in all their roles (katherine the strong-willed/hard-headed woman, audrey the gentle, refined one)…
@Sean: Reading new stuff is always good and eye-opening, but revisiting the classics? That’s sheer pleasure.
And the truth? I have no idea why I even bought Katherine Hepburn’s autobiography. Sometimes I do take chances when it comes to new reads. Not often, but still. Sometimes.
did the risk pay off? i know i found the autobiography illuminating in some ways (i didn’t realize her older brother committed suicide), but she still skimped on many of the juicy details of her life.
actually, it might help if you’ve watched enough of katherine hepburn’s movies (i know you can be an art movie fan, but it seems like you gravitate toward films that were made from the 1980s onwards, long after katherine’s heyday). she was nominated 12 times for the best actress oscar, so those are the ones to start with! :D
Love, oh Valentine’s day! And you’re right love starts within ourselves, it extends and multiplies. Just open your eyes, and you’ll see that love is everywhere.
@Sean: In this case? Yes, but not so much for the details of her life, but just her personality that shines through the pages. I think I’d like to have known her, though I may have found her a tad intimidating, to be honest.
And yes, I’m generally quite bad with films made before the 1980′s. What can I say? I’m a child of my time (and all the times after that, apparently).
@Dejtingsidor: Love does extend and multiply – that is why you can’t ever give it all away, it doesn’t just come back, it returns with plenty of company!
Katherine’s personality? Hmmmm. Actually, her writing just reinforced my impression of her as a stubbornly dogmatic, brutally argumentative woman who needs to always have her way. I’d definitely stay out of her path :D
Movies made decades ago captivate me. They offer such a great glimpse into how people used to speak, behave, think and feel. (Also, I like looking at how actors and actresses age over the years … compare the young Meryl Streep of the 70s with her present-day self, for example) :D
I’m a PLUS Size Woman.. so love me, darling & you’ll have more place to love.
LOL!!!!!
@Sean: Stubborn? Argumentative? Someone who needs to always have their way? Why, then Ms. Hepburn sounds like someone I can click with, most certainly. Hehe.
And by what films are our generation gonna be judged, I wonder? What is the film of our decade? (The decade of us thirtysomethings, that is.)
@jemima: Plus Size = More Love. Plus Size Woman = All Love. Jemima = More Love Than One Can Handle, woo-hoo, baby! Hehe.
true that. and once again, you placed a very simple fact of life, amidst a whirlwind of awesomely placed words and punctuation.
have an awesome start to the week, kenny! :)
@joshua: You have a great week ahead too, bro!
Alas, the film of our generation might be Transformers and its sequels, considering how the original toys and animated series were a cultural touchstone in the ’80s, and now, people our age are flocking to the big-screen version :D
What an annoying friend- to be wailing at you. You’re lucky though, I’m sure he probably doesn’t read your blog.
Too much self love is not good tho :)
I love life, and myself and my loved ones.. but I don’t wanna live till a 100! LOL. I’ll happily live till 80 and die in my sleep.. ashes to ashes .. dust to dust.
I love myself! And I love life!! And I love this post of yours.. more love is a bonus indeed! :)
The next time I am feeling downtrodden and in need of commiseration, I’m NOT coming to you!! That said, if I love myself enough, I’d probably never feel victimised or need anyone to commiserate! Gong Xi Fa Cai to you and CK! You guys are indeed true purveyors of Cai! :-D
@Sean: Transformers? Egads, tell me it ain’t so! (Though I do love the original toys and animated series very much.)
Maybe, I oughta rephrase my question as what do you think is the film that defines us during our growing years into adulthood?
For some reason I keep thinking of Richard Linklater’s ‘Before Sunrise’ and ‘Before Sunset’, as it does sort of captures how different I feel in my twenties vs. my thirties.
@Ekin: Yes, how fortunate for me that my wailing friend does not read my blog. Heh.
@J the chocoholic: Haha, it self-love is a tad different from loving oneself; the former smacks of more narcisstic obsession, the latter more of acceptance and joy in what one has and is able to do.
@ciki: Me, I wanna in bed, making love, preferably to an orgy of virgins. Woo-hoo!
@iamthewitch: I love that… you love this post? Hahaha…
Kiddin’, dear. Glad we’re on the same page of life!
@minchow: Hehe. Aww, are you sure you wouldn’t come to me? I do a great booming guru voice.
“Minchow, you are my daughter…. Hssshh…”
“Young padawan you are. Very Old Jedi Master Yo-Mah I am. Hmm…”
*giggles*
yeh, yeh..to love myself..i’m going to have a love affair with myself and make this relationship juicier and spicier and fill it with joy, fun, love and more love!
totally agree with the bonus statement. Kenny, here’s your bonus for tonite..muacks!!
@lena: I love how you are having a love affair with yourself. Nice!
And thanks for your bonus! Here’s for one for you too! Muacks!
Oh yeah, the ‘before sunset/sunrise’ movies are a favorite of mine too, though I prefer ‘sunrise,’ because of its greater sense of innocence, wonder and unexplored opportunities. Based on talking to others, it seems like people start to gravitate toward ‘sunrise’ only after they become older.
But the scene that’s most magical for me, that best encapsulated both movies, is the one early on in ‘sunset,’ when they’re both listening to the record play and they steal furtive glances at each other. :D
Have you watched the “Up” documentary film series? The one where they took a bunch of British schoolkids who were seven years old in the 1960s, and interviewed them about their opinions and hopes, and then revisited those kids every seven years to see how things had changed and evolved in their lives?
@Sean: For me, it’s the other way, that as I get older I prefer “Before Sunset” cos I’m more lived in and I don’t really look forward to looking backwards all that much, if you know what I mean.
The road I have not taken, the paths yet to explore, these are more exciting.
And yes, I’ve heard of that documentary but not watched the series yet. Sounds brilliant yet possibly sad too, maybe. (Now I sound like a cynic, no?)
Thank you. No one shows me passion, flavour and life quite like you do.
I enjoyed every single word of it.
Your words move me. You remind me so much of – me in a way though I haven’t written like that in quite some time now.
@Joy: Thank you. It means a lot to me, what you said.
Oops, I mixed up the titles. Yes, I still prefer “sunrise,” but what I meant to say is that i find most people prefer “sunset” as they age (so you fit into that trend). I wonder if I’m still stuck in the “sunrise” mode because I haven’t matured emotionally as much as the rest of you all have :D And yeah, I meant to say I love the record-playing scene in “sunrise,” not “sunset.”
I have the Up box set if you ever decide to try watching it. Yep, there are some sad stories in there, with people whose lives didn’t turn out anything like what they had hoped for. And it gets sadder as they get older (they were 49 in the most recent installment). But there’s also a sense of hope, still, since life isn’t over for most of them yet.
@Sean: There’s a record (or CD, rather) playing scene at the end of ‘Before Sunset’, and that’s what made the film for me. That’s love, pure love, no matter what had happened and what may happen from that point onwards.
Which, I suppose, is a good way of looking at the UP documentary children. There’s still life yet, there’s still life to be lived and joy to be had.
for someone to love you, you must first love yourself…i have learn this much …
@rokh: I suddenly realise this entire thread of mine/ours may be a muddled-up mantra from ‘Moulin Rouge!’ – oui?
ergkh, am actually not a fan of open-ended endings. and i do believe that was infatuation, not love :D
and i also kinda feel that the couple wouldn’t have stayed together for very long. after all, even in real life, ethan hawke didn’t remain faithful to uma thurman :P
Then, I wish you bonus and more bonuses to come. :D
@Sean: To me, infatuation is a kind of love, and who’s to say it isn’t equal or more to other sorts of love?
And it wasn’t about being faithful, it was about the experiences, good and bad. Life is life, not meant for neat packages to be boxed up, methinks.
@gina: Oh, I certainly hope so, haha.
Here’s a bit of extra for you, Kenny. My new year bonus for you this year. =)
*HUGS*
@Michelle: So many extra bonuses this year – I feel like a really lucky boy! Hehe.
*HUGS*
I think I love myself…
There’s lots of stuff I like about me and some stuff I dislike too but all in all I’m happy.
When it comes down to it the things I wouldn’t mind changing are pretty superficial. Maybe if I (could make) made these changes my friends and family and lover(s!!?) wouldn’t love me anymore.
@mr sekimachihato: Maybe that’s true – that if we changed ourselves, the person that those who love us love may change as well. And they may no longer love that person.
Yet. I really don’t think so. I think there is something intrinsically us about us that doesn’t alter, doesn’t change with time. That’s the part that is being loved. Who we really are.
P.S. Lovers? Does Mrs. Sekimachihato know this? Ahem.
Loving oneself gives the ability to pour love on another. The ability to encourage oneself gives us the capacity to encourage others. This much I have seen so far …. Happy Lunar New Year to you.
@worldwindows: The giving ability – to contribute and add to the lives of others – it’s an amazing gift.
Happy Lunar New Year to you and your family!
this is really nice piece.
i love myself, very much
Absolutely true. We ought to be kinder to ourselves, don’t we? ;)
hi kenny, just drop by again to wish you a very happy valentine’s day! have a lovely time with your friends and loved ones!
Sharing love is a joyous thing! The more you give, the happier you will be :) Happy Chap Goh Meh Kenny!
I agree bro. You gotsa love what’s staring back at you in the mirror in the morning. You have to learn to love yourself before you are ready to give love or receive love from others.
Happy Chap Goh Meh!
@ai wei: I’m glad you do, dear. I really am. It’s something we all should strive for, innit?
@John Ling: Hey, bro! Haven’t heard from you in awhile! Yes, kindness is an offering we don’t often permit ourselves. Time to make amends on that, most certainly.
@lena: Thank you, dear! I had the funniest Valentine’s Day conversation ever – hope to write more about that soon! *hugs*
@ck lam: Happy Belated Chap Goh Meh to you, dear! Bet it was especially fun and festive in Penang where there are so many Hokkien folks around! Did you save a mandarin orange for me? Hehe.
@unkaleong: You know what? At danger of sounding (and doubtlessly becoming) vain, I do have to admit I am beginning to spend more time in front of the mirror these days, in the morning before heading to work.
It’s a moment of meditation on who I am and how happy I am to greet a new day, fresh with opportunities.
P.S. Was a nice surprise bumping into you today. *HUGS*
Not too sure about those mandarins in KL, but the ones in Penang are a bit dried-up and not that sweet. In fact, I bought the least number of boxes for this year.
@ck lam: Worse here in KL (for us anyway) – not cos the mandarin oranges weren’t sweet but cos we didn’t finish our box of the fruit.
So wasteful of us!